Baby might not bring troubled siblings together

DEAR AMY » My only brother and I have always had a difficult relationship. About two years ago, we stopped talking completely.

When my husband and I found out that we were expecting our first child, I reached out to my brother to share the news. He was overjoyed, and we had a long conversation in which he apologized for his past behavior and told me he wanted to be a large part of his niece’s life

I delivered about two months early, and our daughter stayed in the NICU for almost a month and a half. My brother (who has never made a lot of money) generously gifted my daughter a beautiful set of linens for her crib.

In our month and half stay in the hospital with our critically ill daughter, we did not get around to sending out thank-you notes. When my brother visited the hospital, though, we thanked him profusely.

A week after we returned home from the hospital, my brother sent me an angry email claiming that we were unappreciative of his efforts to be a part of our daughter’s life. As a result, he has refused to speak with me and is emailing my husband for updates on the child.

When I asked him what prompted these feelings, he said that we had never sent him a thankyou note for his gifts.

Was I insensitive to his efforts? My husband wants to try to make this right, because my brother is our daughter’s only uncle. I do not think that this is a good idea, as my brother has proven to be unreasonable. How should I go about handling this?

— New Mom DEAR MOM » It seems that your daughter’s birth has not brought on a magical change in your lifelong dynamic with your brother. And so, you’ll have to do what most of us in challenging families do — take this relationship one day and one episode at a time, and react proportionally. This is something your brother, unfortunately, seems unable (or unwilling) to do.

Your brother is going to have to figure out that if he really wants to have a relationship with his niece, he is going to have to make nice with the child’s mother.

Your husband should respond to him clearly: “We’d love to keep in touch, but in order to be a friend to our family, you will have to be a friend to ALL of us. You need to communicate with your sister.”

Cutting you out of the loop is not the path to reconciliation. Otherwise the dynamic is only one of manipulation and capitulation.

DEAR AMY » You recently wrote about the danger of guns in houses. I realize that I have no idea of how to counsel my elementary and middle school kids on what to do if they are in a house where someone brings out a gun.

Clearly, I want them as far away as possible from the gun, but telling them to leave the house and go to a nearby stranger’s house doesn’t seem like great advice either. Do you know any good guidelines?

— At a Loss DEAR AT A LOSS » You should talk to your children realistically about guns. Tell them that guns hurt and kill people every day and children are killed and hurt more than others when guns are present in someone’s home.

Very young children are capable of firing a gun accidentally if they find and pick up a gun. Accidental shootings are the most common way for children to get hurt.

Tell your children that if they see a gun, these are the steps they should follow:

Stop what they are doing

on’t touch the gun. Leave the area where the gun is.

Tell an adult right away.

If they are at a friend’s house and they become aware that a parent or another adult has a gun out, they should follow these steps and also let you know. You may choose to talk with the other parent and perhaps not let the child go to that house, unless you are confident that the parents always lock their guns in a safe. Well-meaning gun owners also face the tragedy of gun accidents if their firearms are not properly secured.

DEAR AMY » Every year I take my daughter and two granddaughters on a vacation to the beach for five days. This has always been just a girl thing.

Now my daughter has a live-in boyfriend. She wants to take him with us. We would all be in one mini-suite, sharing one bathroom.

That is only part of the problem. He talks and talks constantly. It is a five-hour trip, and we all share one room! I don’t think I can do it with him along, but if I tell her I am not going if he goes, she will be upset. Should I go, or should I tell her that this vacation is only for the four of us?

— Upset Grandmother

DEAR UPSET » If this man is your daughter’s livein partner, then you are going to have to adjust to considering him to be a member of the family. You didn’t choose him, and it sounds like you would never choose him, and yet there he is.

It is completely reasonable for you to ask your daughter, “Do you mind if we keep this vacation as our ‘girls only’ getaway?” Do not get drawn into a recitation of this man’s many faults. You could also offer to take the kids by yourself, and although this would change things for you, they might enjoy it very much.

If your daughter insists .that he must come along on this trip, she should rent a nearby room for the couple to stay in, and perhaps you and your granddaughters can bunk in together. If you can’t bear the thought of hosting this, then admit that the “girls only” era has ended.