Partner’s sister insists on family exclusion

DEAR AMY » I have a wonderful partner. We have been together for three years, own a beautiful home and have a baby on the way.

My guy’s sister, “Marcia,” is a perpetual victim. She is always suffering from one perceived slight or another. The world is always out to get her. And she is never at fault.

Over a year ago, I made the mistake of asking her, very nicely (and privately), to stop pestering my boyfriend over a particular issue. I was kind and empathetic.

It went poorly. Now, I am a terrible person. She’s told other people in their family that I am the worst person in the world. She won’t talk to me, and will not attend any family event that I am invited to. This has put others in the position of having to choose between the two of us.

This has caused tremendous issues, especially over holidays.

I am not related by blood, so I defer. My partner supports me, and would very willingly stay home with me, or make other plans, in place of spending time with his sister. But I feel bad, because this is his family, and I feel like I’m keeping him away from family events.

A few months ago, I sent her a note asking if we could put this behind us. There has been no response.

How do I handle this going forward? I would like to have some unity here, especially with a baby (the first in the family) on the way. I understand that she will never change, but is there any way I can promote some peace, at least?

— No Sisterly Love DEAR NO LOVE » You are not keeping your guy away from family events — his sister is. I’m not sure why you feel bad about this when your partner doesn’t, but your bad feelings (and others’) will enable this exclusionary behavior.

The one thing you should not have done is to insert yourself in her relationship with her brother. Their relationship is their business — not yours.

You and your partner should ignore this restriction and show up together (and/or separately) for family events and holidays whenever you want to see his family members. If there is an “invitation only” private family event that you are specifically restricted from, your guy should stay away, too.

You and he should host events for the family and invite everyone (including his sister). Before your child is born, you should invite and include her in any celebratory events his other family members are invited to, such as showers, etc. Behave politely toward her, but remain detached from her shenanigans.

Contact Amy Dickinson via email at askamy@ tribpub.com.