Middle sister leaves financial issues out to dry

DEAR AMY » Iam the oldest of three sisters. I’ve worked hard all my life, pursued my career, saved my money and had a second marriage to a successful man.

My youngest sister married a physician; their family is also financially stable.

Now the problem: Our middle sister married and had three great children.

However, she and her husband got a divorce, and he was sporadic in his child support payments. She has always struggled to make ends meet.

We are all in our 60s now and her kids are out of the house, but she still struggles with finances, because she wasn’t able to accumulate a nest egg.

My sister’s 25-year-old dryer died. She was hanging clothes everywhere to dry them.

I could easily help her, but she is not frugal like I have been. She gets Botox, buys art work and jewelry and in general makes poor choices.

I think I would feel resentful if I gave her the money to buy a dryer and then saw a beautiful new rug at her house.

I can’t be honest and tell her how I feel, because she won’t change and would only hide her purchases.

I feel so terribly guilty, because I am so blessed and don’t have money worries, and she is drying her underwear in her family room. Please help.

— Frugal Older Sister DEAR FRUGAL » If it hurts you to see your sister hanging her clothing around the house to dry, then you could treat yourself to an extravagance that would make YOU feel better: a dryer for her.

You could ask her, “Do you want a new dryer? Because I’d like to get you one.” And then you purchase a dryer for her, have it delivered and hooked up and feel good about this act of kindness, without attaching to specific expectations.

Your generosity will not pave the way for your sister to make better financial choices in the future. Nor will it lock you into a lifetime of ongoing financial support. A new dryer will only get your sister’s undies off of the davenport.

DEAR AMY » I recently invited a friend and his wife to vacation with me at my vacation home over a long holiday weekend.

My friend then asked me not to bring my dog to my vacation house because his wife is still feeling side effects of a concussion she suffered almost two years ago.

His wife is worried that if the dog jumps on her, she could experience a setback in her recovery.

Although I promised that “Buster” was not likely to jump on his wife, and that we would be extra vigilant, my friend renewed his request. Buster is medium-sized and weighs about 30 pounds.

I have been looking forward to this vacation, and the chance to bring along my dog. However, I don’t want this to seem like I am making a binary choice of choosing an animal over a human.

While I think it is rude that my friend would make this request in the first place, given that he is being invited into my home and my vacation — what is the right thing to do, now that the request has been made?

— Throw Me a Bone DEAR THROW ME » You and “Buster” are a package deal. Your friend has been honest with you regarding the possible impact of your dog on his wife’s health. Any number of factors (including the dog) could interfere with her recovery, and they are responsibly trying to limit the risks.

You should in turn be honest with them, and say, “I won’t be boarding ‘Buster’ during the weekend, but I’ll do my best to make sure he doesn’t disturb anyone. I’ll leave it up to you to decide whether you can still join me for the weekend; I certainly don’t want this to compromise Joan’s recovery in any way.”

I guess this really IS a case of making a binary choice of an animal over a human, but Buster is your responsibility, and cannot take himself to Atlantic City over the long weekend while you’re with your friends.

DEAR AMY » “Upset” reported to be a gay couple who were in conflict with their neighbors over a rainbow mat the couple had put in front of their door.

I can’t believe your advice. Why didn’t you suggest that a third party sit down with everyone?

— Dismayed DEAR DISMAYED » “Upset” had reached out in friendship; this effort was ignored. I didn’t perceive much to mediate, but you are right — it might work.

DEAR AMY » A friend of mine recently eloped.

I sent a really nice, expensive (over $200) arrangement of red roses to the couple’s home, along with a card addressed to her and her new husband, congratulating them on their marriage and wishing them a lifetime of love together.

I was surprised when I didn’t receive even an acknowledgement for the roses.

About a month later a mutual friend of ours told me that my newlywed friend thought it was inappropriate that I sent RED roses, saying that I must be IN LOVE with her because red roses are sent by someone who wants to express their romantic feelings to the recipient ... I should have known that white or yellow roses were OK, but not red!

I have been completely perplexed. Is it inappropriate to send red roses to a newly married couple? Should I feel embarrassed and call with an apology?

— Seeing Red DEAR SEEING RED » Red roses are often associated with romantic passion but — who cares? And why couldn’t this symbolize the couple’s passion toward each other?

Your friend’s lack of acknowledgment — and her judgment, which she gossiped about to someone else — is rude to the core.

Honestly, I only think you might have erred in your extravagance. Two hundred dollars’ worth of roses is a lot of roses.

You do not owe your friend an apology. She owes you a thank you.