Politics might interrupt neighborly kindness

DEAR AMY >> Our next-door neighbor is widowed and in her 80s.

She has no family nearby, so I often help her with small tasks such as changing light bulbs, shoveling snow, etc.

She is very nice, and we get along well.

Recently she posted a radical, right-wing political ad on her Facebook page, which I found highly offensive. I do not want to help her out anymore.

I know I cannot change her, but how can I deal with my anger? — Furious Neighbor

DEAR FURIOUS >> You are a good neighbor. I hope you feel proud of the role you have played in your neighbor’s life. Many neighbors are unsung heroes in the everyday lives and care of older people.

One way to deal with your anger is to find a way to express it.

I hope it is obvious to you that your elderly neighbor may not know how to use social media. Her FB page might have been hijacked or used by someone else. She may have shared this post accidentally. Or yes, she may actually agree with the content in this ad.

Rather than simply and mysteriously withdraw from this relationship, you should respect her enough to be honest with her.

Bring your laptop or phone to her house and try this: “Maude, I need to be honest with you about something. See this? I think this is really hurtful. It’s offensive to me. And it bothers me. Can you tell me why you posted this?”

If she claims not to understand how this ad landed on her page, believe her. If she says any version of, “Well, this reflects my opinion,” then — there you have it.

If this truly reflects her beliefs, then what next?

It is within your rights to give in to your desire to flee the relationship.

But should you continue to be a respectful and helpful neighbor to her? Yes you should. Your behavior should reflect who you are, not who she is.

DEAR AMY >> I am confused and trying to interpret someone’s behavior toward me.

There is this guy I really like. I’ve known him for about two years. We chat and hang out, but we don’t hang out very often.

I do not know what to feel about him anymore, as I sense that if I do not initiate any conversation between us, he would not initiate it on his own.

Sometimes he goes offradar without any valid reason.

Can you advise me regarding whether I should keep trying to be closer?

Do you think we are headed toward a relationship?

— Confused DEAR CONFUSED >> I don’t think you are headed toward a relationship. I think you’re already in a relationship. Granted, this relationship is completely one-sided (at least the way you describe it), but speaking literally — it is a relationship.

Unfortunately, this is not the relationship you want to have.

Here’s a very basic truism that might help you to gauge this person’s (and anybody else’s) relationship to you, and to place it on a spectrum: People do what they want to do. You want to be closer to him, and so you initiate contact with him.

If this guy wanted to be in a closer relationship with you, he would be. If he wanted to be closer but had a valid reason not to be — such as health struggles, anxiety or depression or being embroiled in a competing relationship — he would find a way to let you know.

If being in this relationship solely on his terms gives you enough juice to keep trying, then do that. If hanging on like this is interfering with your own emotional growth and development, then you’d do best to stop initiating, which would create room for other more balanced relationships to take root and grow.

DEAR AMY >> “Wondering Friend,” wrote about a GoFundMe request from a teen football player to attend an out-of-state game. In your answer, you state, “GoFundMe takes an ample percentage of the donations” but in fact, we have a 0 percent platform fee and we offer donors the ability to give a voluntary tip so GoFundMe can cover the costs of its world-class services. The standard credit card processing fee is 2.9 percent plus $.30 per donation.

— Heidi at GoFundMe DEAR HEIDI >> Thank you. Last year, GoFundMe switched from charging a 5 percent fee, to asking for donors to add to their donation with a voluntary fee (a “tip”) to the site.

My research was outdated, and I appreciate the opportunity to correct it.

Amy Dickinson