Never fear, anti-vaxxers, we’ve got a school for you
Dear students, parents and other members of the Spillover Academy Community,
Can it really be June 2022? Has a year truly passed since our academy opened its doors to families fleeing the tyranny of the Connecticut General Assembly and their corporate masters in the pharmaceutical industry?
As Spillover’s first headmistress, I am full of joy as I contemplate our maiden voyage. We launched this school so that non-vaccinated children would have a place to learn, but it has become so much more.
But before I enumerate this year’s highlights, it’s my sad duty to announce that our run of bad luck with cafeteria employees has continued and Mrs. Mashpee has left us to join that Great Lunch Line in the Sky where she’s no doubt dishing out her Deep Sea Doodle to the hungriest angels.
That’s three caf staffers in one year. What are the odds? The death certificate said whooping cough with tetanus complications, but the only whooping I hear is from the joyful seraphim beholding Mrs. M’s tater tots.
Now how about some sports? They told us no way could we get a football team formed on short notice, but the Spillover Bigtrees finished their first season 1-1. We lost our opener to the Waldorf Walnuts, but in our second game against Blavatsky Farms, the Bigtrees prevailed 72-3, thanks to the crazylegs running of Jimmy “Measles” McNamee.
Measles McNamee put up 329 yards of rushing, sure to stand the test of time as a school record. To many of us in the stands, it almost seemed like the other team’s players didn’t want to tackle Measles. That’s how elusive he is.
As you know, the remaining 11 games we had to forfeit. Don’t ask me how a form of diptheria formerly seen only in gorillas could show up at such an inopportune moment.
For me, another highlight was our visiting lecturer series, and my personal favorite was the talk by Gavril Maximovich, stethoscope owner and public information officer for Health Freedom Advocates of Vladivostok.
Mr. Maximovich hit on a very important point: nonvaccinated people are experiencing negative health effects from contact with vaccinated people (or “The Stuck,” as we call them).
Teenaged girls who hug their vaccinated grandparents have experienced alarming disruptions of their menstrual cycles. Grade school boys who ride in cars with their vaccinated parents often lose interest in playing with trucks. All of this and more was shared by Mr. Maximovich, a Russian man who calls himself “a vicarious American patriot.”
And who can forget Spillover’s spring fundraiser: “An Evening with Rob Schneider — Laughter Is the Medicine Big Pharma Doesn’t Want You to Have.”
Mr. Schneider, the greatest comedy talent to emerge from “Saturday Night Live,” had us in stitches, except for the four teen students who were already in stitches from the freak appendicitis wave.
Rob: “The CDC says vaccinated grandparents can hug their grandchildren but not anybody else. How does the virus know which ones are their grandchildren? Am I right?”
He’s a witty guy, and we were lucky to get him when Robert F. Kennedy Jr. canceled with only 24 hours notice.
Congratulations to sophomore Alexa Jones, who won our first-ever Science Fair with her project showing how the iron in spinach heats up in the microwave and melts parts of your stomach lining. Wow. I guess I’ll stick to Hot Pockets, Alexa.
Alexa’s project really stood out because the other 97 submissions all attempted (and in my view succeeded!) to disprove the existence of climate change. Don’t get me wrong. Those were worthy efforts.
It has been a year of firsts from the first day of school to the first graduating class to the first case of hookworm, which the government is trying to blame on us because we don’t use chemicals in the school swimming pool (which is closed until further notice, by the way).
With our second year of operation rushing toward us, I’m proud to announce one new faculty hire. Davida Armentrout will teach Phrenology, Flat Earth Science and Ancient Astronaut Theory.
I won’t lie. Launching a new school is exhausting. You don’t get a lot of sleep, and there were days and nights where the only thing keeping me going were 10 Mountain Dews and my vape pen. But I will do whatever it takes to preserve the health of these children.
We’re all excited to see what the 2022-23 school year brings, and Measles McNamee says he’s itching to get back on the field!
Yours truly, Phyllis Herguan, Headmistress Doctor of Public Health Trinity Southern Diploma Institute
Colin McEnroe’s column appears every Sunday, his newsletter comes out every Thursday and you can hear his radio show every weekday on WNPR 90.5. Email him at colin@ctpublic.org. Sign up for his newsletter at http://bit.ly/colinmcenroe.