Domestic violence not just a women’s issue

In a year when our collective consciousness about abuse of power, sexual assault, harassment and inequality in the workplace has been raised, YWCA Greenwich continued to receive thousands of hotline calls about domestic abuse and intimate partner violence from members of our community in need of assistance.

Eighty-five percent of victims of domestic violence are women and girls, and 97percent of the violence is committed by men. In Greenwich, domestic violence is the most reported violent crime and the second most investigated crime. To change those statistics, we need to stop thinking about all gender-based violence as a woman’s issue. It’s a systemic, societal issue. We also need to put more focus on prevention, including engaging men and boys in a more meaningful way.

Most men are not abusive. They love and respect the women and girls in their lives, and it wouldn’t occur to them to be disrespectful. However, we are still raising our boys to be in what author, activist, and former NFL star Tony Porter refers to as “The Man Box” — put on a brave face, act tough, never show vulnerability. The result is a culture of silence among the good guys. Abusive men rely on the silence of other men. They rely on their peers to look the other way and to ignore the off-color joke or disparaging language about women.

Children who are raised in abusive homes often learn that violence is an effective way to gain attention and control. Children from violent homes have higher risks of alcohol and drug abuse, post-traumatic stress disorder, and juvenile delinquency. Boys who witness their mothers’ abuse are more likely to batter their female partners as adults than boys raised in nonviolent homes.

On this Father’s Day, we are asking the good guys to use your voice and call out violent, sexist or abusive behavior of other men. We ask this not just because it’s the right thing to do, but because gender-based violence hurts boys and men too.

What else can men do to be part of the movement to prevent gender-based violence?

1. View yourself as an empowered bystander who can confront abusive peers.

2. Speak up when you witness abuse or disrespectful behavior to women and girls.

3. Mentor and teach the young boys in your life about how to be men in ways that don’t involve degrading or abusing girls and women. Lead by example.

4. Question your own attitudes. Understand how your own attitudes and actions might inadvertently perpetuate sexism and violence, and work toward changing them.

5. If you suspect a woman close to you is being abused or has been sexually assaulted, gently ask if you can help.

6. Be an ally to women who are working to end all forms of gender-based violence.

7. Recognize and speak out against homophobia and gay-bashing. Domestic abuse disproportionally affects members of the LGBTQ community, who often have less access to support and can be afraid to ask for help.

8. Refuse to fund sexism by rejecting media that portrays girls or women in a sexually degrading or abusive manner.

9. Educate yourself about how larger social forces affect the conflicts between individual men and women.

10. If you are or have been emotionally, physically, psychologically or sexually abusive to women in the past, seek professional help.

Today, we ask that all men act to end domestic abuse. Your support will help save a life, and it will make our communities safer for all, especially for women and girls.

To learn more about domestic violence and how you can help, go to www.ywcagreenwich.org/domestic-abuse-services