Letting the pet kitty roam free

Iam not a cat person.

Nor am I an anti-cat person. feel about cats the way cats feel about people in general — indifferent.

I am also, I can assure you, not someone you are ever going to see walking a cat on a leash. But we’ll get back to that.

In truth, about the only time I think about cats is if a black one crosses my path. Experience has taught me that a black-cat encounter can actually portend a run of bad luck. So in those situations where a black cat and I do intersect, it has been my practice to stop dead in my tracks and then bark at the demon three times. Better safe than sorry, right?

I admit, I don’t understand cats.

I have no idea what makes them purr.

I have never been owned by a cat. I did once cat sit for a friend’s cat, but the cat ran away. This was just as well, because the friend never came back either. I often wonder if they found each other.

Another thing I don’t get is the cat/cat person dynamic.

It seems one sided. Come home to a dog, and he is all over you with excitement and gratitude. Come home to a cat and you get the kind of look your spouse flashes when you stumble in late smelling of swilled beer.

Cat-owning friends tell me that cats are very affectionate, and that they often demonstrate this by rubbing up against one’s leg. Who knew? Judging from the residue on my pants, I always thought they saw humans as lint removers.

What got me off on this cat tangent is a recent article in the New York Times advocating cats be walked on leashes like dogs.

According to the author, exposing a housebound cat to the outdoors will stimulate its brain and perk up its personality. I don’t doubt this is true. I mean, you have to figure being exposed to any new environment is way better for the cat than lying around the house all day watching “Friends” reruns.

But at what cost to neighborhood tranquility?

The sight of a cat being walked is going to cause major disruptions.

People will stop and stare.

Drivers will slow and rubberneck.

Smart phones will be brandished.

Animal control SWAT teams will be summoned.

Granted, dog walkers can also attract their fair share of attention. Who among us has not stopped to gawk at:

Large men walking dogs the size of hamsters.

Small women being dragged along by German Shepherd ponies.

Dogs outfitted in overcoats or rain gear, and, worse still, dogs and owners dressed in matching outfits.

(In the interest of full disclosure, my dog and I do, in fact, have matching outfits. We both have white fur.)

Anyway, I don’t believe widespread cat walking is ever going to catch on. There are just too many obstacles to overcome.

First off, I have serious doubts that cats are even capable of mastering the fundamentals of being walked. I mean, in the history of cat domestication, has there ever been a recorded case of a cat being taught to heel?

Second, will finicky cats be amenable to relieving themselves on the grass, or will owners have to bring along portable litter boxes?

Then there is the ugliness certain to ensue when cats and dogs meet. Does anybody seriously think this will result in anything but claw-to-paw confrontation?

Good intentions aside, it seems to me there is an easier and less disruptive way to stimulate a homebody cat’s mind. Instead of dragging it outside everyday for a walk, why not just upgrade your cable package.