Dad’s focus on sister causes jealousy

Dear Abby: My older sister, “Lily,” is in a biracial marriage and has a son. Our dad never approved. He gave her an ultimatum when she first met “Rodney”: Choose between him or our family. She chose Rodney.

After 30 years of Dad not speaking to her and influencing us siblings to feel the same way, our mother died and Dad rekindled his relationship with Lily. He’s 82 now, and he puts her and her family first. He spends a lot of money on them and spends a lot of time with her and her son.

The rest of us feel so much resentment. I realize he’s making up for lost time and feels guilty. But it’s sickening when we remember how he pushed us to feel the way he did back then and now expects us to do an emotional 180. We are OK with being with our sister and her family. It’s Dad we’re having the problem with. How do we move on?

Upset in the East

Dear Upset: Your father did a disservice to ALL of you by teaching hate rather than love and acceptance. Now you have decades of lost time to make up for.

The way for you to move on would be to recognize it’s time to forgive him for the damage he caused your family because, if you don’t, you and your siblings will perpetuate it.

Dear Abby: I have worked for my husband, “Ben,” in a small firm for 20 years, but members of my family still think I don’t have a “real” job. I did it so I’d have flexibility in participating in PTA and other school activities.

I work a 40-plus-hour week, just not necessarily 9 to 5. So why does my family think they can call me at work, especially on my cell, for non-work-related issues? They wouldn’t call their friends or children at work, so why, despite my asking them REPEATEDLY not to, do they still call, or worse, drop in? How can I make them stop bothering me?

At Work

Dear At Work: Screen your calls before answering your phone. When they ask why you didn’t pick up, repeat the message that you were working and please not to call you at that time. If they drop in, quit being so available. Repeat that they have come at a time that’s inconvenient, and give them a time when you can socialize.

Write to Dear Abby at P.O. Box 96440, Los Angeles, CA 90069 or dearabby.com