5 Christmas classics that you’re never going to see

After losing her job at a greenhouse, single mother Mary Jane Mistletoe turns to growing and selling cannabis to afford Christmas gifts for her kids.

At the risk of handing in my man card, I’ll admit to binging holiday movies on The Hallmark Channel — not because I have a thing for predictable plots and corny writing, but because I make myself laugh by voicing over the dialogue as if I’m part of “Mystery Science Theater 3000, Holiday Edition.”

The over-familiarity I have with movies including “Finding John Christmas,” “Silver Bells” and, my personal favorite, “Fallen Angel” (with Gary Sinise), has inspired me to take a crack at penning a few of my own. Here is just a sampling, presented with TV Guide-style synopses:

“A Family Christmas”: There’s only one Christmas cannoli left at Arthur Avenue’s Bughati Brothers Bakery. Will there be blood on the streets in the Bronx or will rival families leave the gun and split the cannoli?

“Homegrown Christmas”: After losing her job at a greenhouse, single mother Mary Jane Mistletoe turns to growing and selling cannabis to afford Christmas gifts for her kids. When the townspeople find out about her new venture will they be cool, or will her plans go up in smoke?

“A Reindeer’s Revenge: A bullied reindeer and a former toy-making elf with a dental fetish join up with some misfit toys to deliver payback to all those who mistreated them. In the North Pole, revenge is a dish best served cold.

“Hey Hey, Ho Ho”: Fed up with cramped working conditions, around the clock shifts, and no wages, Santa’s elves have decided to organize. Watch as jolly old St. Nick and Mrs. Claus try to sweet talk their way out of negotiating a collective bargaining agreement, but is it too little, too late?

“Christmas on Pennsylvania Avenue”: This is a truly fantastic Christmas movie. It’s very great, the best. Everyone adores it, believe me. Enjoy it with a cup of covfefe.

What do you think, should I pitch these to Hallmark? Anyone interested in collaborating with me on the above can reach out to my agent, queryletterrejections@aol.com