Re­union with fa­ther threat­ens fam­ily

The News-Times - - ADVICE / GAMES - Jeanne Phillips Write to Dear Abby at P.O. Box 96440, Los An­ge­les, CA 90069 or dearabby.com

Dear Abby: I am 28 and re­cently found my bi­o­log­i­cal fa­ther through Face­book af­ter more than 20 years of not know­ing if he was still alive. Al­though I am happy that I found him, I’m scared to let my fam­ily — my mom, my step­dad and my sisters — know I have re­con­nected with him.

When I asked about my dad years ago (I even had a pic of him), my step­dad felt be­trayed and up­set that I was even cu­ri­ous. I had to rip up the pic­ture be­cause I felt so guilty that my step­dad was hurt.

I know my step­dad will ma­nip­u­late the sit­u­a­tion (that’s just how he is) and con my sisters and my mom into not speaking to me again. On the other hand, I want to cre­ate a re­la­tion­ship with my fa­ther and start where we left off. I have two beau­ti­ful daugh­ters I know he will love to meet, but I am scared be­cause I know this will di­vide my fam­ily. What should I do?

Anony­mous In The West

Dear Anony­mous: I wish you had dis­closed why, for more than 20 years, your birth fa­ther had no visi­ta­tion with you. Whose de­ci­sion was it — his? Your mother’s? If it was your birth fa­ther’s, I would ques­tion his char­ac­ter.

That said, at the ripe old age of 28, you are an adult and should have the right to de­cide — with­out co­er­cion — whom you wish to as­so­ciate with. You shouldn’t feel guilty for want­ing to get to know your birth fa­ther. Those feel­ings are nor­mal. It won’t di­vide your fam­ily if you keep your mouth shut and your pri­vate life sep­a­rate.

Dear Abby: My girl­friend, “Crys­tal,” re­cently dumped me. We were madly in love, and she would con­stantly mes­sage me and tell me how I was per­fect, she didn’t de­serve some­one as amaz­ing as me and how I’m the only one she wants in her life. We were talk­ing about mov­ing in to­gether, mar­riage and our fu­ture.

Then all of a sud­den a well-known creep with a shady past of­fered her a job in an­other state. Crys­tal’s fam­ily, friends and I all told her not to take the job or talk to that guy be­cause he’s bad news. She took the job, moved across the coun­try and left us all be­hind.

She has now cut me out of her life. I haven’t heard from her. My ques­tion is what did I miss? I know Crys­tal was al­ways hard on her­self and thought she wasn’t do­ing enough with her life, but I was con­stantly re­as­sur­ing and en­cour­ag­ing her.

I be­lieve this guy ma­nip­u­lated her and made her think this was her last chance at the ca­reer she was seek­ing. I am afraid she’s go­ing to learn a hard les­son. Is there any­thing we can do to help her see this? Baf­fled And Dev­as­tated

Dear Baf­fled: No, I am sorry to say there isn’t. You didn’t miss any­thing; you were mis­led. Crys­tal told you she wanted a fu­ture with you when the truth was what she re­ally wanted was a ca­reer, and you were Plan B. There’s an old say­ing, “Bad pen­nies al­ways turn up.” If the man who hired her is as shady as you say he is, she’ll be back. And I hope you will have moved on long be­fore then.

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