Holiday situation creates tension

Dear Annie: My sister passed away in September, and I was really looking forward to spending an evening with her family during Christmas. I’d not really been close with her husband or children in the past, but it’s important to me to spend time with them now.

Well, apparently, my ex-husband has been invited to their house, along with his wife of three years. We divorced five years ago, after he verbally and emotionally abused me for 21 years. Admittedly, I left the marriage in a not so great way, with the first person who told me that I was beautiful.

This holiday situation has created a lot of tension between me and my children, and it’s heartbreaking. I will not go, because my ex will be there, and I just don’t want to see him. But I was wondering if you think what my brotherin-law, niece and nephew are doing is right.

Sitting It Out

Dear Sitting: I’m so sorry for the loss of your sister. Let’s withhold judgment of her husband and children, who are also deep in grief. Maybe they didn’t even want your ex to come, he just invited himself. That would square with the history of emotionally abusive behavior that you mentioned.

Whatever the case, what you are doing is right — because everyone should be sitting out holiday gatherings this year. Fortunately, even from afar, you can still get closer with your niece, nephew and brother-in-law, through video chats, phone calls or emails. It might take some time to break the ice, but keep chipping away. You will find pieces of your sister in one another.

Dear Annie: A few months ago I met a new guy friend, and we have been getting to know each other. However, I do not want a serious relationship with him, and I have informed him of that. I know that he likes me because he says things like, “I’m not going anywhere.”

So, we were texting one day, and he asked me if I wanted to go get ice cream. I said OK, but when we met up, he said he really didn’t feel like eating; he just wanted to see me. So we sat in the parking lot. We talked for a few hours. Afterward, he told me in a text that he hopes that I will be his girl someday. I know he means that he wants us to be together romantically, but I don’t want to date him because I don’t feel a physical attraction to him. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but I don’t want to lead him on, either. In my defense, I already told him that we are friends and that’s all, nothing more. It seems to me that he is not taking no for an answer. Anyway, how do I tell him again gently that we are “just friends” without hurting his feelings so that we can actually remain friends?

Just Friends

Dear Just Friends: This man doesn’t want your friendship, and you don’t want his heart. The sooner you accept that you are at cross purposes and go your separate ways, the better for both of you.