Hey, Conn.! Why the superrich love Fla., not you
Editor’s note: This guest essay is responding to the Hearst Connecticut Media editorial “Dear superrich New Yorkers, please don’t leave us.” This first ran in floridapolitics.com. It is reprinted with permission.
What do you mean Florida is a “nice place to visit, but …”?
My dear colleagues at the Hearst Connecticut Media editorial board have published an editorial begging superrich New Yorkers fleeing high taxes to move to Connecticut, rather than to Florida.
Along the way, the Connecticut editors trash Florida as if we’re a bunch of Florida Men and Florida Women. The editorial dumps on our crime rate, our insurance rates, our image (“Scarface,” “Miami Vice”) and our schools. They called us weird.
Well, I’ll have you know, that’s, that’s — hold on, I have to look up the spelling on this — audacious.
I’m not sure I’m the best person to respond.
Like most Americans, I’ve never been to Connecticut — except if you count when I was driving back and forth between New York and Boston. From what I could see through my car windows, it’s not even Rhode Island, which at least has all those cute little seaside towns with names such as Narragansett where you want to pull off the highway for lunch.
Some of our non-superrich natives might prefer you Northeasterners stay put. But even they can’t deny Florida is Heaven on Earth (and Heaven’s waiting room) for those who revel in unnecessarily large yachts, private jets, gaudy houses with indoor basketball courts and offshore tax havens.
Our superrich New Yorker friends know they are welcome here in Florida. We’ll take anyone.
We’ve even made it so you can own your own beach.
Superrich people in Florida don’t have to wait their turn for anything, not even COVID-19 vaccinations.
What’s that you say? You don’t want to get vaccinated? That’s cool with us too.
Schools, schmools. You don’t need a great education to be superrich in Florida. And if it’s so important that your kids get great educations, fine. That’s what Connecticut is for. It’s stock-full of boarding schools, right?
Like guns? So do we.
Hate protesters? So do we.
By some counts, we already have more than 50 billionaires in Florida. In all likelihood, most of them moved here, I’m guessing, from New York (or even, gasp, Connecticut). This is a place where the rich come to live richly. Sure, we have a stark economic disparity, but low worker wages mean low expenses for you. And, honestly, those folks just didn’t work hard enough.
Don’t believe those rumors about STDs running rampant in our retirement communities. But read between the lines: What causes STDs? Before you move, check your loofah color, mmmkay.
Kennedy Space Center has a VIP site to watch rocket launches. Heck, you’ll soon be able to buy your own ride to space. Day-trip yacht cruises to tropical islands? Check. Golf in January? Check. Sky boxes to watch every major sport, from auto racing to wrestling? Nude beaches? Rent a Walt Disney World theme park for your private party? Real Cuban cigars? Alligator and python hunts? Check, check, check, check and double-check.
Stop me when I mention something you can find in Connecticut.