Husband sees texts from wife’s co-worker as threat to marriage

DeAr ABBY Jeanne Phillips

Dear Abby: Iama 42-year-old male, married for 19 years with three teenage children. My wife recently decided to return to work after staying home with the kids as a full-time mom. She’s an elementary school teacher and has a male co-worker.

For six months, this co-worker has been texting her constantly, sometimes every day for several weeks at a time. Along with work-related texts, he asks for advice regarding his recent breakup with a longtime girlfriend. He has also been sending random texts late at night asking how she’s doing, and “checking in” messages.

Two weeks into summer break, he messaged her asking her how her summer was and telling her what’s going on in his life. I have confronted her about the borderline inappropriate texts he sends, and she assures me nothing is going on between them. She says she’s “handling” it by not responding to his texts but will not tell him to quit texting her.

I have never met this guy, but feel I need to have a conversation with him explaining my concerns. Emotional affairs are real, especially in a workplace. Even though I trust her, I don’t trust him, and I feel disrespected. I understand they work together and need to communicate, but this feels wrong. Any advice would be appreciated.

Excessive In Michigan

Dear Excessive: I urge you to forget about confronting your wife’s co-worker. Try this instead: Tell your wife you want to meet and get to know this co-worker and suggest the three of you (or four, if he would like to bring a date) meet for a casual lunch or dinner. If you do, it will give you insight into what is going on. He may be quite a bit younger, trying to be friendly and asking for dating advice because he thinks of her as a mentor. I do NOT think this has anything to do with respect or lack of respect for you.

Dear Abby: The few times I have been able to visit some dear extended family, the hosts have left me elsewhere for most of the day. During my last visit, the husband and wife left me with in-laws, nieces and nephews for 12 hours at a time while they worked. They didn’t mention this as we arranged the visit.

I wouldn’t have visited if I had known they would leave me to go do something more important. I prefer to visit the folks who actually invited me. What can I do?

Left In Louisiana

Dear Left: I am wondering whether these relatives invited you to visit, or if you invited yourself. If it’s the former, tell them that if you had realized they’d be so scarce, you wouldn’t have come. If your relatives’ schedules are so full that they can’t reserve time to be with you, consider renting a car so you won’t be so dependent on them for transportation. Either that, or cut your visit short because you aren’t enjoying it.