Terminal disease greeted with shrug

Dear Amy: Three years ago I was diagnosed with ALS, also known as Lou Gehrig’s disease. When I am sitting down, it’s not always noticeable that I have a terminal illness with a dim future. For various reasons, I have needed to tell people what I am facing. Most people who know me usually respond with tears in their eyes. I’ve learned to accept that and help them feel better about my future by explaining how I feel.

A small, but significant, number of people, however, have responded, “Well, we’re all dying of something!”

I never know what to say to those people and wonder if you had some advice on how to handle what I feel is a rude perspective to present to someone with a terminal illness. Not Dead Yet

Dear Not Dead: This is a very tough thing to face, and I’m very sorry you are experiencing this, now.

Just last week, a friend of mine who is facing a lifethreatening illness told me that she had heard the same thing: “We’re all dying of something” — from her therapist, no less. Weeks later, the comment still bothered her.

And now I wonder if this is a trend of some kind.

A Buddhist thinker is credited with the quote: “We’re all dying. It’s only a matter of time. Some of us just die sooner than others.” This is a push toward understanding and accepting the universal experience of mortality.

Friends might be trying to lead you toward a profound acceptance of your own death. However, this is not their job. (I assume that you would appreciate a quiet and sincere, “Oh, no. I’m so sorry to hear this,” followed by an attitude of listening.)

Supplying an unsolicited lesson on mortality is a strange way to greet another’s tough and tragic news. “We’re all dying of something” sets up a false equivalency. For one thing, ALS is a particularly cruel disease. The “something” you’re dying of is actually worse than most other fatal “somethings.”

If you were feeling particularly cynical, you might respond: “Well, how about we trade. I’ll take the thing you’re dying of and you can have the thing I’m dying of.”

A less cynical response to this comment is: “That strikes me as a strange thing to say to me.”

Ask Amy,

P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. e-mail: askamy@tribune.com