Abuse survivor faces more challenges
Dear Amy: I am a 26-yearold woman. Despite having a deeply traumatic childhood, I have a successful and fulfilling life.
I am estranged from my parents due to the severe abuse they inflicted during childhood. The abuse was physical, mental and sexual. My siblings and I were placed into foster care. We were again abused by a foster father. He is currently serving a 15-year prison sentence for his actions. The state then deemed our mother capable of providing a stable home, and we were returned to her care. Our mother had remarried, and her new husband was not much better than our father. I moved out as soon as I could and have not spoken to either parent in many years.
I have supported myself and the youngest of my siblings financially for my entire adult life. I helped my sister to get a good start, put myself through college, bought a home, and am now enrolled in graduate school. I have a healthy, supportive relationship with a good man that I deeply love. He has helped me to heal from the abuse I endured, and his wonderful family has embraced me.
However, I find that the sexual abuse I suffered has influenced my sexual desires. My partner has gently expressed to me that some of the things I ask him to do make him uncomfortable.
Ihatetheideathatthese events helped to formulate my sexual identity and desires; worse yet, that they could have an impact on my relationship.
How do I separate my current healthy sex life from my traumatic past?
Intimately Unhinged
Dear Unhinged: Your success is a testament to your (quite impressive) core strength and resilience. It is so inspiring.
Human beings react to, and sometimes re-enact, versions of their formative experiences in childhood. Survival and success reside on one side of your personal equation — healing is on the other.
A therapist with experience dealing with childhood sexual abuse could help you to put the pieces together. Fortunately, you are at a university where there are likely experienced practitioners available to help you, for low or no-cost. Please accept professional help, as you continue to build on your impressive success.
Ask Amy,
P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. e-mail: askamy@tribune.com