I’m having a bad hair life
I’ve been looking at photos of celebrities and famous people in history books and on websites to find the perfect hairdo for myself. I’m a guy who in the olden days was called “bald,” but in our woke society, no one uses that word anymore. Now, we unfortunates of every gender are called “hair challenged.”
So there you have it. I’m hair challenged. I said it and I feel better already. I surrender. I’ve found acceptance. It’s been a life-long struggle, especially since the few straggling hairs I have are gray. They’ve been gray since middle-age, which used to start around 40, but now begins in your late 60s, according to the Baby Boomers. Tell that to your body.
Anyway, I’m looking for a new hairdo, something a little trendier by 18th century standards. In America, we define our existence by our hair, which is a $17 billion dollar national obsession. Do you think they obsess like this over their hair in Siberia, Nigeria, or Mongolia?
The renowned haircare specialist, St. Paul, once said, “Does not nature itself teach you that if a man wears his hair long, it is a disgrace to him, whereas if a woman has long hair, it is her glory …”
Maybe my bald situation is retribution for growing my hair shoulder-length in college, when I was a hippy, radical, intellectual wannabe.
Remember the Bible verse that says, “Even the hairs of your head have all been counted”? Well, it didn’t take God long to count mine. According to my research, redheads have about 90,000 hairs, brunettes 110,000 and blondes 150,000. I have 339. I counted them myself.
Since my 20s, I’ve been suffering from hair shrinkflation, but I lived in hope because every year for the past 30 years there’s supposedly been a miracle baldness cure on the horizon, even though the horizon keeps receding like my hairline. I would have gladly volunteered to be a guinea pig in those scientific tests, but nobody called … which is why I’m resorting to Plan C.
After looking at countless photos of famous bald people and their hairstyles, I wanted my wife to try something new the next time she cuts my hair. (Confidential: The problem is she always cuts my little bit of hair really short. Her own stylist does the same thing to her.)
Why do people get carried away when they have a scissors in their hand? Can’t they exercise some self-restraint? When you ask for a trim, you should be able to walk away with something left. It’s been this way throughout history. Even Samson grappled with the problem. He asked for a trim, and Delilah cut it all off.
Anyway, in keeping with the mood of our country this election year, I plan to get a presidential haircut. I tore pictures out of my American history books, and I’m taking them to a barber because I don’t trust my wife to do it the way I want.
I might call my new hairdo “The Washingtonian.” That’s right. I’m thinking about having my hair styled like George Washington’s. You know how his hair was long on the sides and came down over his ears and sort of curled up like Betty Crocker’s, or maybe it was Betty Boop’s. That’s what I want.
I also considered a hairdo I call “The Trumpian.” It would require dyeing my hair orange and having a serious comb-over. My main worry was it’d lead to political arguments with my friends and physical assaults on the street, so I ditched that idea.
Another possibility, which is more realistic, is what I label “The Eisenhower” — nothing on top and some short stubble surrounding the ears.
Do you realize there have been almost no bald presidents in modern times, partly because of the prevailing belief that being bald means you’re unelectable, which should tell you a lot about how we elect our presidents. I suppose I won’t be running for president in this lifetime.
However, before TV and social media corrupted our brains, bald presidents were the rage, and they did a pretty good job of governing. There was John Adams and his son John Quincy Adams. Baldness ran in their family, and John Q. had the highest IQ of any president. They were also early opponents of slavery. Then, there was Martin Van Buren (who wasn’t reelected because he didn’t care about America’s economic problems) and James Garfield (who unfortunately was assassinated) and Gerald Ford (who wasn’t elected because of that Nixon thing).
The presidency is about image and electability and not necessarily about competence. For my part, I’d take a qualified bald president, man or woman, over someone with a full head of hair who’s a dud.
Come to think of it, I really like the Martin Van Buren look — bald on top with bushy, curly hair over the ears, and mutton chops down the sides. I’ll call it “The Van Buren.” I even like the sound of that. It will make a patriotic fashion statement.
Someone, hand me my curling iron.