Mom has kept identity of son’s father secret

DEAR ABBY » Thirty years ago, I had an affair with “Roger,” a married man. At the time, Roger was married with three children. My husband and I were separated. Roger was soft-spoken, intelligent and a gentleman. He was of Christian faith, so when he decided to divorce his wife, his partners held an intervention and bought out his equity in the company, which forced him to move out of state.

Roger was a great person and struggled with the thought of leaving his family. I understood, and we parted ways. I kept informed about him as much as possible over the years but never contacted him, and we lived in different states. When he left, I was pregnant, but I didn’t tell him because so much was going on and I didn’t want the baby to be a tool. I had a son, reconciled with my husband and never told a soul. Eight years after that, my husband and I divorced.

Although I tried, I never found the courage to reach out to Roger. Five years ago, I visited the state where he lived. I even went to his office, but did not reach out.

I looked Roger up online and found out he died a year ago. I am devastated and feel guilty for not giving my son the opportunity to know his father. Roger has other children. At this point, should I let them know or should I just leave everything alone?

— Holding Many Secrets

DEAR HOLDING » What is to be gained by making an announcement at this late date? As you stated, it won’t provide your son the opportunity to know his father. However, I would do another internet search to see if you can find out what killed Roger. If it’s something that could be passed down to your son, warn him.