Happiness is not dependent on other people

“One of the greatest gifts you can ever give to someone who makes your heart soar, or who gets on your nerves, is the freedom to learn their own lessons at their own pace,” says Mike Dooley, a New York Times best-selling author, speaker and entrepreneur.

Tell that to a parent with a troubled teenager or to an adult child with a manipulative aging parent; to parents of an adult child who is an addict and still dependent on them; or to anyone who believes it is their responsibility to befriend someone who continually abuses the relationship, and you will get a response something like, “How can you walk away from someone who needs your help?”

I can remember in my late 40s when I first heard someone say, “You do not have the power to make another person unhappy — or happy.” I had lived my entire life assuming I could do both.

Dooley goes on to say, “Most challenging of all is understanding one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself is the realization that your heart soaring and your nerves fraying have never been dependent upon other people and their lessons.” And that may be even harder to get your mind around.

As I wrestled with this new way of thinking, I began to understand that how another person behaves in response to what I do or say is not “my fault”; it is about them and how they have been conditioned to respond — usually a learned behavior that has become a habit — or maybe it is some of their own unfinished business that spills over on you when you bump up against them.

The reality is we teach people how to treat us, and if someone continually mistreats, angers or frightens us, we are cooperating. And if nothing changes, then nothing changes, and we should quit being surprised.

Instead of asking how you can change someone else, the question that will set you free is “What else can YOU do?”

Charlotte Lankard is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice. Contact her at clankard@oklahoman.com.