Courting changes
Columnist reflects on how courtship has changed.
With the springtime, comes thoughts of love for the young and single. As my two youngest sons plan to marry at the end of the summer, it strikes me how much the rules of engagement have changed.
It seems that historically, the parents were much more involved in supervising the selection process. Much like applying for a job, marriage candidates had to prove muster to their future in-laws.
Courting benches used to be fashionable for well-to-do families. They were designed with two seats, each facing an opposite direction. The back of the bench jogged to create a little wall between the two seats. Not only did they make it impossible to get cozy with the person sitting on the other side, the benches were extremely uncomfortable.
Along the same vein were courting candles. A young man would know how well his suit was favored by his sweetheart’s parents by the length of the candle. When the candle burned out, he was to leave. The welcome suitors got long candles, and the unwelcome ones got little nubs.
Electronic dating/matching services may have almost kicked parents out of the equation, but many of the underlying traditions are the same. A rude dude is still a rude dude, and a spoiled diva by any other name is still a spoiled diva.
My son Scott met a girl on campus with which he was slightly acquainted. They began talking, and he walked her to her next class. By the time they got there, he asked her to lunch the following weekend.
But when he arrived at her apartment a few days later, she opened the door partway and asked if he minded if a friend came along. It was a first date, so he wasn’t particularly ruffled until he realized that the “friend” was another guy. Shocked by the strangeness of the situation, he took the girl and her boyfriend on a date and paid for all three unbelievably awkward lunches.
When Jeff and I were courting, the expectation was for the male to “pop the question” or to officially propose marriage. (Jeff didn’t quite get the memo, and merely informed me that he wanted to marry me.) But nowadays things seem to work quite differently.
My two youngest sons are sorta, somewhat, almost, kinda engaged. They have discussed or selected potential wedding dates. The wedding reservation is made in one case, and they have arranged for housing after the wedding. But until a man puts an engagement ring on his intended’s finger and officially proposes, they’re not engaged. Currently we’re in a suspended state, unable to plan the celebration, start on announcements, etc. Everyone knows they’re getting married, but they don’t call themselves “engaged.”
It is now extremely rare that wedding announcements don’t include a card telling me where to find the wedding wish list. While generally convenient, sometimes couples miss the point. I cringed when a card informed me that the “Happy Couple” wanted only cash since they didn’t want to bother with inconvenient gifts. But what I want to know is where is Happy Couple going to get their assorted cheese domes or plaster love doves?
Another registry notice I received contained nothing that cost less than $100. I went with a gift card. Always useful with no overhead of wrapping.
Freestyle dating also has translated into a looser approach to wedding festivities. While the average American wedding still costs almost $26,000, the average couple still spend less than $10,000 — often much, much less.
The rented ballroom has given way to barn dances, barbecues and backyard parties. Do-it-yourself or simple wedding plans are more and more popular. The days of wedding cake and punch are returning.
Fortunately for Jeff and me, all of our children have chosen the “long candle” sorts to marry. No matter what else changes, it always will be the grooms’ place to grin and bear it. They get the prize at the end of the day. The rules of engagement may have changed, but probably only on the surface.
Only in America. God bless it.