Teaching self-control requires parents' patience
Some friends of mine gathered for dinner the other night and one of them, an elementary school teacher, announced she was retiring. “It's unbelieveable!” she said with exasperation. “I've seen such a change in kids in recent years. They yell at teachers and blurt out things in class. And, for the most part, their parents aren't teaching them self-control.”
My friend does not teach in one of those “marginal” schools. It's a respectable, middle class school where one would not anticipate such problems. But lack of selfcontrol knows no geographic or economic boundaries. You see it everywhere.
Admittedly, there are pockets of reprieve. We have all observed children who are respectful, well-behaved and disciplined. But they didn't get that way by natural disposition. Children's biological bent is toward unruliness. Self-control must be taught. Patiently. Consistently. With discipline. In small, but longterm measures.
A few years ago, an article in Psychology Today listed eight steps to teach your child selfcontrol. Good stuff. Here are the best of the eight:
The foundation of self-control is trust. Parents who are responsive to children's needs foster trust, which encourages kids to know, if they wait and control themselves, their needs will be met.
Children learn emotional regulation from the way we, as parents, live. If we don't manage our own emotions, children learn they don't have to either. Think: Parents displaying road rage with kids in the car. Or yelling at the Little League umps.
Limits give kids practice in selfdiscipline. Children desire limits even though they act like they don't. When you tell a child, “don't touch those cookies,” you can't shrug when the kid stuffs the cookie in his mouth.
Patience. Consistency. Discipline. In small but long-term measures. It's the parental prescription in raising kids. In our microwave, instant message world, these traits are in short supply. Maybe that's why some children have a short supply of self-control. But parents must have the self-control to teach kids self-control.