Blame versus owning a problem

When something goes wrong and you blame someone else, you have put yourself in the role of the victim and see yourself as helpless, but if you take responsibility, you become empowered to change whatever is not working.

Owning the problem and being willing to look at your part in it doesn't mean you are to spend time blaming yourself, either.

It is rarely helpful and is as much a waste of your energy as blaming another.

The first step in making a change is to understand you are the only person who knows what is best for you — not your parent, boss, spouse, child or therapist. When you find yourself in a jam, say “I did it,” and then get yourself out of the jam and move in a different direction — the direction that is right for you.

You begin by understanding you may have done the best you could at the time. In therapy, a person sometimes revisits the past, not in order to find someone to blame, but to understand what may have shaped or influenced their behavioral patterns. Once they gain a new perspective, they can choose ways of thinking and behaving that lead to better choices in the present.

The next step is to take responsibility for your actions. I made a mistake. It is my fault.

Change is necessary as we grow and mature, but it is not easy. You have to practice. Family members, friends and coworkers who are accustomed to your old behavior may not be receptive to the changes you begin to make. There may be push back. There is a sense in which you will be building a different kind of relationship with others.

If you are willing to do the work, the result is a more relaxed body, a quieter mind, and more time and energy to invest in meaningful activities and relationships.