Reader wants to make up for breaking friend’s antique vase
I broke my friend’s antique vase when I was at lunch at her house recently. Since I probably cannot afford to actually replace it, what should I do? My friend was very understanding of my clumsiness, but I felt terrible!
CALLIE’S ANSWER: I hate that feeling of when you’ve broken something at someone’s house. If you cannot afford to replace it, send her fresh flowers. That’s always a nice gesture and everyone loves receiving flowers.
LILLIE-BETH’S ANSWER: Ask her how you can make things right. It may not be as much as you think. If it is, can you offer your friend a certain amount to replace it? Can you find something that looks like it that’s in your budget? Try to make things right if you can, even if it’s with a different gift. Someone I know broke something of mine that I couldn’t afford to replace myself, or rather, I recognized I had other spending priorities than to replace that object, even if I was sad it was broken. I knew the cost was prohibitive, even for me, and told her not to worry about it and meant it. And then I just let it go because I know that accidents happen. It sounds like your friend did the same. We all know things happen, but you can try to acknowledge the loss in a different way, too.
HELEN’S ANSWER: Thank goodness you have a wonderful friend who told you not to worry. But I know you still feel terrible. Write her a note, send flowers, or take her a gift. You might try to replace it by looking on eBay. It might not cost as much as you think.
I remember breaking a friend’s beautiful glass (one of a set of eight) and thinking how ever could I replace it? My friend laughed and noted the set of glasses actually came from a very inexpensive place. Easy fix!
GUEST’S ANSWER: Yvette Walker, Assistant Dean and media ethics instructor at Gaylord College, University of Oklahoma: There is nothing worse than causing a friend pain. Breaking an expensive vase can fall into that category, but if the friend forgives you, why not forgive yourself ?
You cannot replace it, so don’t try. Instead, be extra kind and thoughtful to your friend by checking in more than you regularly do, sending nice texts or even surprising your friend with a coffee cake or treat. And remember, you are NOT doing this to relieve your own guilt, but to show your friend that you appreciate the kind of friendship that forgives a mistake.
Since 2009, Callie, Lillie-Beth and Helen have written this generational etiquette column. They also include guest responses from a wide range of ages each week. So many years later, Callie is 20-plus; Lillie-Beth is 40-plus and Helen is 60-plus. To ask an etiquette question, email helen.wallace@cox.net.