It’s okay to keep reminding your older teens about manners
QUESTION: My daughter and I are planning to stay with friends while we are on a college tour. Should I remind my college-bound child about the “keeping the rules of the house” while we are traveling. I hate to always be reminding her to keep her room neat and to remember her manners, but sometimes she forgets.
CALLIE’S ANSWER: If you’re staying with her, you can help her and assist her. It’s an easy reminder to give her while you’re there.
LILLIE-BETH’S ANSWER: I think that’s what we do as parents. I also think that’s how we parents annoy our children, so you can also expect her to pretend to ignore you or give you an eye roll. It’s still OK to say it again and give her specifics about what it means to be a good houseguest, but try to not to be controlling about it.
You could also make it an exaggerated joke, with a smile — “I know I’ve said things like this a million times, but I wouldn’t be your mom if I didn’t mention this again.”
I don’t think you’re alone in the neatness conversation for this age group. Also, you’re telling her in the context of both of you traveling together, so it makes sense it would come up. Now that my children are this age, there are many things I wonder if I forgot to teach them. I probably get the eyeroll because I actually did not forget to teach them and I am instead reminding them for the 100th time.
But things like this are important. Perhaps you can approach it in a way that “we both need to remember to do this for our gracious hosts.”
HELEN’S ANSWER: It is very important to be a good houseguest, whether it be keeping your room picked up, the bed made or helping clean up after dinner. We all need reminding sometimes, so remind your daughter of these opportunities to show good manners. Take a gift to your hosts to show your appreciation. Above all, enjoy the time learning about colleges with your daughter. Have fun!
GUEST’S ANSWER: Christina Nihira, community volunteer: I think it is reasonable that you want your daughter to be a kind and mindful houseguest. I recommend having a conversation in advance of the college tour and outline your expectations.
Keep in mind that the approach needs to be upbeat. Frame it as a way to show appreciation for your friend’s hospitality. This also gives you a chance to discuss the importance of respecting someone else’s space and property, which will be important qualities to develop as she prepares for college.
I recommend that you communicate some guidelines too. Consider asking your daughter to make her bed each morning, be tidy and offer to help, especially in the kitchen. Furthermore, show her the value of being adaptable when situations are not familiar or change. The behavior might not change immediately. Practice patience and provide positive feedback when she does demonstrate nice manners. This is a great opportunity for her to grow and expand these habits as she transitions to the adult world.