SILENT TREATMENT
When teens say they don’t want their stories shared, parents should listen
QUESTION: My two teenage children have let me know that I embarrass them frequently when I am with other kids and their parents. They do not want me telling stories about them in front of their peers. And there are other situations where they feel like I have let them down in front of others. What is a good rule for me (and maybe for them) to reduce the conflict?
CALLIE’S ANSWER:
Hm. I don’t have teenagers yet, but I’d say try to avoid them listening to your conversations and leave the kids out of it if they’re around.
LILLIE-BETH’S ANSWER:
Honor their boundaries about not telling people their stories. Treat them with respect as independent people. Ask them permission before you share something about them with others, especially publicly on social media. They’re growing up. How cool is it that they are comfortable enough to set boundaries with you. Their stories are their own stories to tell. They are old enough to have feelings about this, and they need the people who love them the most to respect and honor those feelings as often as possible so they will be comfortable expecting respect from other people.
If you need to discuss an actual parenting issue behind the scenes, do so out of love for your children and with a trusted friend, in confidence, far out of earshot. Ask for your teens’ forgiveness if you misstep, and give yourself grace if you were trying and fell short, which is definitely going to happen.
HELEN’S ANSWER:
Teenagers can be so critical of one another, and parents need to understand that. Most kids do not want to be embarrassed by parents who talk about them at all. They just want to fit in. If you continue to notice their discomfort when you are around, talk to them privately about your concerns. You are still the parent and deserve respect.
Maybe you can set boundaries with each other about what is off limits to talk about with other people and also discuss your own feelings about the conversations.
GUEST’S ANSWER:
Christina Nihira, community leader: Fear not, you are not alone. Only last week I asked my teenage daughter why she doesn’t invite friends over to the house or allow me to spend time with their parents at social events. Her reply was straightforward — “You embarrass me!”
Parents, of most any teenager these days, can relate and tell you that they too, don’t pass the “cool” test. Once I got past my ‘hurt’ feelings, I reflected on what was the best way to navigate life going forward. I needed to recognize that my teen is no longer a child and wants to explore life, establish her own identity while challenging a few boundaries.
Put aside any judgment. Actively engage but more importantly, listen. The onus is on the parent to validate the teen’s feelings even if you don’t share the same viewpoint.
Also remember the human brain doesn’t fully mature until the age of 25 so it’s important to practice grace, grace, grace. Teens should have some freedom. Again communicate your expectations and the repercussions of not meeting them. Ultimately they will learn the boundaries within which they can operate and make positive choices.
In a few years, your teen will happily transition to the “adulting” world and will once again want to spend time together. Until then, avoid conflict and encourage a calmer home life through supportive conversations and positive parenting.
Since 2009 Lillie-Beth, Callie and Helen have written this generational etiquette column. They also include guest responses from a wide range of ages each week. So many years later, Callie is 20-plus; LillieBeth, 40-plus and Helen, 60-plus.