The Oneida Daily Dispatch (Oneida, NY)

Parents afraid to entertain because of addictive behavior of son

- Annie Lane Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators. com. To find out more about Annie Lane and read features by other Creators Syndicate columnists and cartoonist­s, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators. com.

DEAR ANNIE >>

My husband and I are in our 60s and have lived in our community for almost 20 years. The community has mostly retired couples, many of whom have been friends for years.

We have three adult children, who are all settled and successful. However, four years ago, our 36-year-old son became addicted to painkiller­s after an injury that required surgery and physical therapy. He lost his job and spent four months in jail. He has been clean for three years, and last year, we welcomed him back home. He found a job and is doing well.

Our dilemma is that we do not feel comfortabl­e entertaini­ng anymore because it always involves alcohol.

— Concerned Parents

DEAR CONCERNED >>

You cannot control your son, and ultimately his continued recovery is up to him and him alone. That said, I don’t think you should bring alcohol into the house while he’s living there.

Not all entertaini­ng involves alcohol, especially luncheons or gettogethe­rs over activities or sports. But if you’d really like to have a dinner party and you want to serve alcohol, tell your son in advance and persuade him to be out of the house until the guests have left. Then give away or dump out all the extra booze.

After losing his job and spending four months in jail, he probably made his sobriety No. 1 in his life. It is the most important thing in keeping him alive, and as long as he is living with you, it should also be No. 1 in your lives — way ahead of hosting parties for friends.

DEAR ANNIE >>

My heart goes out to “Confused Young Life in California,” who wrote to you from prison. It seems he has given up on himself and is resigned to a life behind bars.

I would encourage him to never give up and never give in. Prison is no life for him. My advice to him is to set some goals for the future. He should take advantage of any educationa­l programs that are offered at the institutio­n, read any books he can get his hands on and seek out programs that will help to further his well-being and education.

Three years ago, I began mentoring a young man who has been incarcerat­ed nine years of his life. He is now 27 years old. I offered to mentor him and finance a twoyear degree for him if he did the work. I was able to get him enrolled in a correspond­ence program for inmates at the University of Wisconsin-Plattevill­e. He did the work and passed the course. We continue to work toward his educationa­l goals.

My goal in mentoring is to help a young person reintegrat­e into society. I have found this way of giving back to be very rewarding. We have establishe­d trust and open lines of communicat­ion and have shared many of our life stories. I am very proud of the man he has grown into over the few years I have known him. His release date is this month, and he will pursue his college education upon his release.

I would appeal to your audience to think about possibly committing to mentoring a young person who is incarcerat­ed.

I hope “Confused” gets the mentoring and help he needs to realize a bet- ter future. It will start and end with him — if he sets his mind to his future and never looks back. God bless and keep him.

— Mentor From

Wisconsin

DEAR ANNIE >>

I read the letter from “Miffed,” about her experience with a friend who was not there for her during a medical scare. I, too, had a friend who I thought would always be there for me — especially because I had been there for her through a lot of stuff. However, when my husband went in the hospital and was given a very upsetting diagnosis, she was not there. No phone call, no visit, nothing. Also, the day after he was released from the hospital, I turned 50 and his mother died. Again, nothing from this friend whom I had been so very close to.

It took me a while to get over the anger and hurt and to move on without her in my life. I put the anger and hurt in an imaginary box and nailed it shut and handed it over to the Lord. Once I did this, I was able to focus on the good things and the good people in my life who were there for me. I hope “Miffed” will move on and appreciate what her other friends and family members did and are doing and realize that this person is no longer of importance in her life.

— Over Being Miffed

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