Silent for Friend’s Sake

I have had a very close friend for many years. She was diagnosed with cancer, and I wanted to stand by her, of course. Then one night, her husband gave me a ride home from their house and tried to rape me. She depends on him completely. She does not work outside the home, and her health insurance is through him. He is her only source of income. She is also absolutely devoted to him and has been since we were all in high school together. We are in our 50s now.

Our group of friends alwaysmeets at their place. I couldn’t stand to be around himafter that and walked away. I didn’t know how to handle the situation and just stopped coming around. I felt it was better for her to hate me than him, considering all. It hurt, but I felt that it was the right decision at the time.

The hardest part is that all of our friends decided that I deserted her because of the cancer and have turned their backs onme. None of themhas spoken to me since. I understand. I made a choice that I cannot even explain to anyone, in order to protect her. I just miss them all so much. I amapariah because I didn’t want to cause her more pain when she is already going through so much. I am also so angry with her husband. The only way to protect her is by keeping my mouth shut. And he is still her hero. It all will have been worth it if she pulls through this. Still, it hurts so much, and I miss everyone.

— Alone Because I Care

DEARALONE » I amso sorry that this happened to you. Whether attempted or completed, sexual assault is a trauma that can leave survivors with long-lasting negative effects. I understand why you haven’t come forward, especially because you’re trying to protect your friend. But this is not your burden to silently carry. I implore you, please report this man’s crime to the authorities. He alone is responsible for his horrible actions. Whatever fallout comes when the truth’s out, those are consequences of his choices. I encourage you to call the National Sexual Assault Hotline (800-6564673) to speak with someone about your experience. It’s totally confidential, and someone is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You are not alone.

DEARANNIE » My husband recently started spending a lot of time with his 17-yearold niece, and it’s starting to bother me. He just met her for the first time nine months ago. Her parents — my husband’s sister and her husband— don’t have much to do with her. They have both been in trouble with the law and aren’t in the picture at all, really. My husband says that she needs to feel that someone cares for her. And I totally agree with that. But it’s to the point that it’s interfering with ourmarriage, and he doesn’t care. They do something together every single day. They go to the movies, go shopping, go to the park, cook supper for each other. I don’t think it’s normal for themto be spending so much time together. It’s almost as if they are dating. I’m at my wits’ end!

— Unhappy Aunt

DEARUNHAPPYAUNT » Whatever’s going on, I agree that it’s not OK. If your husband wanted to become de facto guardian of his niece, he should have discussed that with you beforehand. It’s amajor decision that impacts you both. Tell him it’s time for a serious conversation about his niece and what role you’ll both play — together — in her life. You two are the partners here, and it’s time for himto act like it.

DEARANNIE » I amwriting to you looking for help with substance abuse. I would like to find a natural way of releasing myself totally fromthis disease, as well as fromcrushing grief I’m experiencing from loss.

I recently lost my kids’ father. I have taken it really hard, to the point that I lost myself. A part of me has so many regrets fromall the wrong I did in my relationship because of my substance abuse. He thought I was against him, and I completely wasn’t. I was stuck in an addiction. I spoke negatively of himto somemutual friends, but that was because of my addiction, my selfishness and my need for instant gratification and validation. I regret that. Since he passed away, I’ve truly lost the ability to look forward most days. My heart is so heavy with the pain I caused him with my substance abuse, lies and unfaithfulness. I would really appreciate it if you could refer me to someone for help in dealing with grief and finding a way to mend the past and accept that he’s dead and in a better place so I can move on and hopefully have a future. I don’t want to see myself sitting in this same place next year. I want to see myself reaching up and building my self-esteem, self-confidence, self-worth. I want to actually believe that I am somebody and deserve to find a better place in society and, more importantly, a better place within myself.

— Lost

DEARLOST » Hitting rock bottomis painful. But it’s also powerful. As cliched as it sounds, it’s true, there’s nowhere to go but up.

I strongly encourage you to see a therapist. If that’s not feasible for you at this point, please consider attending a 12-step program, such as Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous, where youmight find peace in surrender and strength in solidarity. You can also call the Substance Abuse andMental Health Services Administration’s 24/7 National Helpline, at 800-662-4357, for referral to resources and treatment available in your state.

I’m so sorry for your loss.