What will Presidents’ Day be like in 50 years?

Whether you read these words before or after Presidents’ Day 2021, be advised that I’m already thinking ahead to Presidents’ Day 2071.

If you get your jollies reading about the only bachelor president or the first bathtub in the White House, just think how many more milestones and tidbits of trivia will have built up over the next 50 years!

In the next five decades, we may very well see the first female president, the first Hispanic president, the first Asianamerican president, the first openly gay president, the first closeted tag-team presidency. (“The press is lying when they say there are two of us. Oooo... we’d... I’d... like to give them such a body slam!”)

Thanks to medical miracles, we may see the record for “oldest president” broken more than once. (“I can remember why I came into the Oval Office, but I can’t remember why half the country hates me. Hey, I don’t remember that goldfish being in the bowl before... “)

We may finally see the first openly atheistic president. (“I believe that the children are our future. Of course, after that, they’re just worm food. In bluntness we trust.”) I wonder if they’ll sound as conflicted as some of today’s RELIGIOUS politicians. (“Speaking as a devout atheist, I’m going to make sure that school lunches include communion wafers and sacramental wine.”)

Maybe we’ll see the first president born on Mars. (Slogan: “Take me to your leader - oh, wait, I am your leader!”) Imagine inspiring voters with proclamations such as “America needs citizens who aren’t looking for a hand-out but instead are looking for a TENTACLE.” Of course, the candidacy will trigger a whole new wave of “birthers.” (“That’s okay. I’ve got the death-rayers on MY side!”)

I suspect the BIGGEST changes will come about if we drop the arbitrary “at least 35 years old” requirement for presidents.

Picture a chief executive who wears the nuclear codes in a nose piercing! Or who uses the Space Force to target lasers at zits!

He or she could make it less likely that vice presidents will have to take over when assassins strike. (“Unghh! Coach was right - I think I CAN walk this off.”)

But why stop with presidents who still have double-digits in their age? Maybe there will be a commander-in-chief who eschews the siren call of deep-pocketed donors and instead funds his own campaign with lunch money “donated” by smaller classmates. (“No Swamp - just swirlies.”)

Yes, there could be a time when ballots ask, “Do you LIKE me like me? Check yes or no.”

Timeless speeches will include lines such as “Fourscore and... fourscore and... are you sure I can’t use my calculator for this?”

Think about bold international challenges, such as “Tear down this bouncy house - because I didn’t get one for MY birthday!”

Granted, youthful prejudices will make cabinet selection agonizingly complex. (“Do I HAFTA take him? Well, can he play right field instead of being the Secretary of Labor?”)

Can you imagine the reelection campaign? (“It’s morning in America - so scarf down some sugary cereal and start bouncing off the walls!”)

Let’s all watch for exciting presidential developments in the years to come.

But watch out for the centenarian yelling, “Hey, you kids get off the Lawn That Must Not Be Named Because It Conjures Up Images of Slavery and Jim Crow and Powerhouse Football Teams and... “