The Oneida Daily Dispatch (Oneida, NY)

Too many tips?


DEAR ANNIE » This is in response to “Let the Truth Out.” I was the woman on the hurt partner end of an affair, and I disagree with your advice not to tell the wife about her husband’s cheating. The cheater informing their spouse is something that rarely happens, which perpetuate­s the lie.

In the end, someone outside the marriage should inform the hurt partner. Hurt partners not knowing about infidelity stifles opportunit­ies for the couple to seek support and does not afford opportunit­y for partners to move forward.

My husband cheated on me 20 years ago. The affair came to light recently, after 41 years of marriage. Only now, with the help of a counselor, are we dealing with the hurt, pain and destructio­n that this longkept deception caused, and we are finally repairing issues in our marriage.

My husband’s affair was with a person with whom he worked. Knowing that the school staff knew and gossiped about the two of them, and it was public knowledge within our community, is extraordin­arily hurtful. The fact that no one told me allowed the affair to continue for 14 months. If I had known about the affair when it was going on, it might have ended earlier, and we could have dealt with issues in our marriage 20 years sooner.

Yes, it could have ended in divorce, but at least I wouldn’t have been living in a marriage that was a sham for 20 years and could have been with someone deserving of my love. I contend that telling the hurt partner is hurtful but not cruel. In the end, someone informing the hurt partner allows opportunit­y for healing or for the marriage to be terminated. The real cruelty to the hurt partner is living a lie.

Finding out about an affair is devastatin­g, but when the hurt partner is made aware of the deception, the couple has an opportunit­y to deal with issues in their marriage. No matter what choices are made regarding the marriage, the hurt partner is not living in an unfulfilli­ng marriage fraught with deception. Knowing is a gift.

— Wishing I Would Have Known

DEAR WISHING I WOULD HAVE KNOWN » Thank you for your letter, and I hope you and your husband find healing through the truth. If you love him, work on forgiving him, for your sake. Remember the old saying that acid can do more damage to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.

DEAR ANNIE » I was brought up to tip 18% to 20% at restaurant­s and bars. Exemplary service deserves a little more. We were told waiters and bartenders only earned a few dollars an hour and tips were their livelihood.

Now it seems tip jars are everywhere, from bakeries to movie theaters to retail shops to cafes.

I don’t understand why people who are doing their job and being paid $10 to $16 an hour expect tips.

Ironically, it seems that when I add a tip on a card (especially on takeout), the product is worse, not better. I regret tipping and know if a tip is deemed as insufficie­nt, items will turn up missing or be small or burnt.

Besides cooking every meal, what is the solution here? Do you agree there are tip jars at far too many businesses?

— Frustrated in Friendswoo­d, Texas

DEAR FRUSTRATED IN TEXAS » Tipping for good service is a polite and kind gesture. I don’t think there are too many tip jars everywhere, unless, of course, the jar says you must tip. It is simply your choice. Ask yourself why you have such a hard time being generous to people who are serving you a meal or making you a cup of coffee. It feels better to give than receive. Try to keep the smile you get from the person you tipped in your mind next time you are upset by a tip jar. Look at it as a smile jar instead.

DEAR ANNIE » My youngest daughter holds my past mistakes as an excuse to not allow me to see my grandchild­ren. It hurts when she judges and belittles me in front of them, and I often go home in tears. I am seeking counseling on how to communicat­e and save my relationsh­ip with her, which has been a roller coaster. I need the love of my little ones. I get pretty quiet with this going on. I don’t interfere. What can I do?

— Hurt Grandmothe­r


What you can do is continue what you are doing. Say you are sorry for the past and that you would like to repair the future. In other words, make amends with her. I’m not sure that your daughter is using your past mistakes as an excuse; rather, she is hurt and afraid by the past. The more you can own your mistakes and show her through actions how much better you are doing, the more repair will happen.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspu­ for more informatio­n. Send your questions for Annie Lane to

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