Neglected by husband

DEAR ANNIE »

I’ve been married for nearly 30 years. After our first year of marriage, my husband lost interest in sex with me and refused to discuss his reasons. We were in our late 30s at the time. This situation has continued for our entire marriage except for brief periods of interest, which quickly disappear, leaving me more lonely and depressed.

The pattern of our marriage quickly became one of me trying to guess what would make my husband desire me and turning myself inside out to become whatever that was, but none of that has sparked any interest, and he has steadfastly responded to my pleas, questions, requests to attend couples counseling and so forth with complete silence.

Over the years, I have lost weight, changed my hairstyle, worn more and less makeup, changed the way I dress when he comments how attractive some woman’s outfit is, become more sexually assertive and consistently shown him how attractive I find him. I know he finds women attractive because he admitted after we’d been together 20 years that he used pornography often to find sexual release.

I’m not perfect. I’m sure some fault must lie with me, but I’m now feeling sad and resentful for the years of platonic marriage. I’ve spent years in counseling trying to hold onto a sense of self-worth in the face of his decades-long rejection.

He tells me he loves me often, is a great stepfather and grandfather, and shares many of my interests. Should I finally just give up and call that “enough”? Should I just be grateful for a long-term relationship when so many women my age are widowed or divorced?

I’ve forgiven the neglect over and over, yet the loneliness comes back as years pass in this state. Saying all this out loud makes me seem pathetic, but I’m open to hearing your thoughts.

— Neglected Spouse

DEAR NEGLECTED » Nothing that you said in your letter is pathetic. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. Changing your physical appearance will not change your husband’s desire to have sex with you. You can’t control his actions, but you can control yours. The fact that you wrote this letter shows that you are ready for a change.

Don’t allow his sexual desire for you to determine your sense of selfworth. You are so much more than that. I’m not sure that staying with him, which seems to be making you more sad and lonely, is any better than being on your own and finding someone who desires and deserves you.

It’s time to have a conversation with your husband about going to couples counseling together. You can’t keep going on like this, nor should you have to.

DEAR ANNIE » My husband has control issues. He is aware that he has them, and he really tries hard to keep them in check.

We are finally at a place in our marriage where I can make decisions about our home, such as interior decorating and small remodeling jobs, and act on them, and it feels wonderful! I have a design and merchandising degree, and I am the one who manages the home while he works in an office most days, so it makes sense to both of us for me to be “in charge” of these things.

I do small projects maybe two or three times a year. These are not expensive or overwhelming. For example, buying a new couch (not the one he enjoys sitting on; I’m leaving that one alone) and selling the old one for just a bit less than the new one cost. However, he gets super grumpy, testy and short-tempered when I’m planning and executing a change — ANY change! I am good at keeping to our budget, and he has always liked the changes I’ve made once they’re finished.

What can I say to him to remind him (kindly) that we have both agreed to let me go with my design choices and that he should try to at least be nice during the process?

— Tired of Mr. Control

DEAR TIRED » The good news is that you are both aware of his control issues. Congratulations on working together and communicating what is important to each of you in the marriage. Next time he starts to get grumpy or shorttempered, call him out on it. Try calmly talking to him about his behavior and how his words are making you feel. There’s always the chance that he doesn’t realize that his knee-jerk complaints about anything new are really wearing you down, and he might be willing to change.

“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www. creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.