Haunted by wife’s affairs

DEAR ANNIE » I recently learned that my spouse had a brief affair with someone else early in our relationship. He was an old lover with whom she had had an affair years before, when he was still married.

When first confronted, her response was to give a long string of excuses denying blame. When asked why she had done this, she said she had had dozens of lovers, that sex was just good clean fun and boosted her self-esteem and that I should just “get over it.”

I admit I was disturbed by the number of her lovers but have come to realize this is a matter of my own insecurities and a fear that I could not compete with her past. What hurts most is the relationship we had at the time could not compete with the temptation of a onenight stand. She has come to finally admit that what she did was wrong, but I perceive no remorse whatsoever.

Because I have failed to completely “get over it,” she now constantly disparages me. I am willing to go to marriage counseling to try to save this relationship, but my question is: Given her basic attitude in all this, would there be any point?

— Where To Go Next

DEAR WHERE TO GO NEXT »

I think you’re heading in the right direction with marriage counseling. Her flippant attitude of “get over it” could be just who she is and how she feels, in which case it seems like she is not the most caring and empathetic of partners. Or it could be a defense mechanism where she feels guilty for what she did, but instead of assuming responsibility, she goes on the offensive and blames you for your feelings. But deep down, she feels really bad. Regardless of her reasoning, a good marriage counselor can help both of you move toward a happier and healthier relationship, either together or apart. If she refuses to go and continues to disparage you, it might be time to find a new partner.

DEAR ANNIE » My husband has a small family, and his mom is single. My husband and I have two children in elementary school. My husband and I both hope to move to a bigger home in the near future.

My mother-in-law is very nice, and we get along well. She is always willing to help out. She recently retired, and she continues to make comments to me about how she could sell her home and move in with us to “help out.” She only makes those comments when my husband is not around.

We see her once or twice a week. My husband and I are both fully capable and take good care of our children. I do appreciate all she has done, and I do love her, but at times I feel she oversteps the boundaries. Occasionally, she makes comments that can lead to hurt feelings.

I do feel that, at times, she creates an atmosphere in which our rules are ignored. For instance, when Grandma is here and we happen to discipline the children, she says, “Oh, it’s fine.”

I do not want her to live with us, and my husband says that I should just ignore her when she makes those comments.

How can I be honest and tell her that she will not live with us without offending her?

She does have a stubborn streak, and if my comments are not worded correctly, I am concerned she would no longer speak with us for some time, as that happened once before, and it was hard on my husband.

— Feeling Like a

Chicken

DEAR FEELING LIKE A CHICKEN »

It sounds like your mother-in-law might be lonely. That doesn’t make it your responsibility to have her move in with your family. When she suggests that she move in with you, tell her in a gentle way — but in plain language — that you and your husband have discussed this, and neither of you think it would be a good idea.

If this creates problems, you and your husband should sit down with her and tell her that you love her and appreciate her and want to be close — but that living together is out of the question.

It sounds like your motherin-law might be lonely. That doesn’t make it your responsibility to have her move in with your family.