Fighting for family

DEAR ANNIE >> I am at an impasse. On the one hand, I want to keep fighting for my three-person family of 18 years, but on the other hand, I wonder if staying is doing more harm than good for our daughter of 17. After a Christmas argument, her mom left and returned so late that all hopes for a Christmas dinner dwindled.

My daughter was sad this morning. Her mom was still angry but is calmer now. It’s tough to know what’s right, but staying seems like what my gut tells me to do. “Debbie” and I are not married but have been a family since she was pregnant. She had a tough childhood and gets angry a lot. There’s no reason to not be happy, so I will keep trying.

— Family Man

DEAR FAMILY MAN >> I am sorry that you and your daughter are going through this. It sounds like your wife has lots of unresolved anger and a difficult time allowing herself to experience the joys of being together and peaceful on Christmas. Needless to say, you would benefit tremendously from working with a professional counselor, or a couples counselor for both of you, to get at the root of the blowups.

Continue to reassure your daughter how much you love her, and when your wife is calm, tell her how sad her daughter was after she left. As far as doing more harm than good, a 17-year-old wants to know that she is loved and safe, even if one parent is acting like a child.

DEAR ANNIE >> I just wanted to follow up on your recent columns about the European/continental style of eating questions. The other part of the European versus the American/canadian way of eating involves our use of the knife. On this side of the Atlantic, we typically use our right hand to hold our forks and switch to our left only when cutting something, such as meat, when we will hold a knife in our right hand. Europeans eat with the fork in the left hand and use their knife with the right and do not switch back and forth like we do.

As someone with a variety of transplanted friends/family, I’ve learned to do both, and I have to admit that while a bit more difficult, the European way does force me to slow down and hence appreciate my meal more!

— Having Fun With Both

Ways

DEAR HAVING FUN >> Thank you for your letter. Anything that helps slow down the pace at which people eat seems like a pleasant way to eat.

DEAR ANNIE >> I just read your letters about “blah” marriages. All you have to do is ask yourself, “Am I better with or without him/her? Short term? long term?” If the answer is “with,” then the next question is, “How can I make things even better?”

— Simple Question

DEAR SIMPLE >> These questions can help to simplify complicated situations. Thank you for the suggestion.

DEAR ANNIE >> I have been reading your column in my local newspaper for a long time. Earlier this year, I sent a note to you about losing my wife and how my friends reacted. Never would I have thought that I would be sending you another note. But here I am.

As I said, I lost the woman who was the center of my universe for 60 years earlier this year. Later in the year, I lost, due to illness, a large part of my hearing, which left me almost unable to communicate with family and friends except through written messages. I became very isolated.

Before Christmas, I had been invited by both of my children to their houses for Christmas. My plan was to attend Sunday service and then go to my daughter’s and then to my son’s later that day. Things changed. I woke up psychologically and physically exhausted. I sent a note to my kids and told them the situation and that I was going to spend Christmas by myself. They both replied that I should rest. Well, at 3 in the afternoon, while I was at the kitchen table, my granddaughter’s small dog came out of nowhere and started jumping all over me. He was followed by her and her folks. Just like that, my Christmas was great, thanks to my angelic wife who taught our children how to help people. Later that day, my son showed up with dinner for me. What I thought was going to be a lonely day turned out to be one the best of my life. I am truly blessed. — Grateful

DEAR GRATEFUL >> Thank you for sharing such an uplifting story. It is clear that your beloved wife lives on through your children and grandchildren. I hope that 2023 brings you many beautiful new memories with them.