Prayer is less about getting, more about trust

Rabbi Marc Gellman

Question: Since losing our young daughter three years ago, many well-meaning friends and acquaintances have told me that prayer is the answer. After all, their prayers have been answered! I’ve seen comments posted on their Facebook pages like, “Thank you for your prayers; he is better now.” In other words, “Pray for me. I need help, and boom, done!”

I’d like to respond by saying, “Do you really believe God chose to answer your prayers because you’re more special than I am? I prayed long and hard for my daughter to be well, and my prayers were not answered.” Such incredulous, over-trusting gullibility infuriates me. How can such people not acknowledge the number of people whose prayers are NOT answered? And even if they did, how would they explain why God chooses to help one person over another? Maybe you can explain.

I need help to defuse my emotions and keep me from lashing out at such people. — Still angry at God

Answer: Sorting out the true purpose of prayer is important and difficult, and best done when one is not broken and angry. In any case, I hope you might be open to a different understanding of what prayer does and does not do.

Prayer does not change the natural order of things. Prayer cannot not kill cancer cells or prevent horrible bad luck. Magic is the belief that we can change the laws of nature, and true prayer is not about magic.

Prayer is about courage, hope and trust — the courage to face our burdens without becoming bitter, the hope that we will not be forever submerged in despair, and the trust that even if death takes us or the one we love, that death is not the end of us, but merely a transition point along our soul’s journey to God in heaven. That’s why we should pray.

But, we slip into thinking that God has granted each of us a guarantee that we’ll never stumble or fall along life’s way. God never gave us such a guarantee and thinking so only produces feelings of anger and betrayal when things do go badly.