Boyfriend takes distrust to frightening extremes

Jeanne Phillips

Dear Abby: I’m madly in love with a man I’ve been dating for almost a year, but I don’t think he’s in love with me. He claims he’s been hurt twice from two failed marriages.

He keeps giving me mixed signals. He questions me about my male friends constantly. He shows up at my apartment without calling in hopes that he will catch me with another man.

During his last drive-by, he saw me in my car at midnight listening to music while surfing the Web on my phone. He thought I was on the way out to a boyfriend’s house because I had my gym bag and a grocery bag in the front seat with me. He ordered me to open my bags so he could see if I had any overnight clothes inside. After he saw there were no clothes, he calmed down.

I don’t know if I should keep this relationship going or if I should abandon ship. Could you please let me know how I should handle my situation? — Mixed Signals in Virginia

Dear Mixed Signals: You may be madly in love with this man, but unless you have agreed that your relationship with him is exclusive, he should not be grilling you about your friendships with your male friends. That he comes over with no notice hoping to catch you cheating is more than a little sick, and what he pulled during his midnight prowl is off the charts.

It is important that you understand the only way he will ever overcome his insecurities and inability to trust will be with professional help. He is so messed up that you could enter a convent and he would mount a security camera at the back door to make sure you weren’t going out on him.

Not only should you abandon ship, you should run like heck once you reach dry land.

Dear Abby: I am older than my wife by 10 years. We have been married six years, and we have six children between us. We tried for another, but my wife miscarried.

I decided to have a vasectomy because my wife was determined to have a baby without regard for my wishes or the extreme stress happening in our lives at the time. Begrudgingly, I am going to have it reversed, even though the cost of the procedure is more than we can afford right now. I believe we have other, more important issues to put the money toward.

This is a hot topic, and it always leads to fights. I don’t know if our relationship will last much longer if it isn’t resolved. Advice, Abby? — Anguished in Austin

Dear Anguished: Put that vasectomy reversal on hold. What you and your wife need far more is to resolve the problems in what is clearly a very troubled marriage. Do not consider surgery until these matters have been put to rest because whatever is going on, another baby is NOT the answer.

Dear Abby: One person handles the money for our family reunion every year. Only that one person knows how much comes in and how much is spent. We all would like copies of the treasurer’s report, but he refuses. Is this right for a treasurer of any organization? — Puzzled Penny in North Carolina

Dear Penny: No, it isn’t. If you think this relative may be behaving dishonestly, the rest of the family should agree that another individual will receive the monies for the next reunion and provide an accounting when the family is all together again.