Driving lesson: Avoid human hood ornaments on I-95

It’s hard to rise to the top when the category is Doing Something Stupid on I-95.

There is such a rich history in South Florida, and so many worthy contenders for the title, that to come up with a fresh form of stupidity is nearly impossible.

Nearly. Not completely. As was proved last weekend when Patresha Isidore,24, of Lauderhill, took a spat with her live-in, ex-boyfriend, Junior Francis, 22, to the left lane of I-95.

This was such a breathtaking episode of highway derring-don’t that anybody wanting a driver’s license in Florida should study it, and be drilled on the lessons learned before being permitted to drive.

Here are a dozen salient safe-driving points that require highlighting from this episode:

1. If somebody is driving away, don’t try to stop that driver by jumping on the hood of the car.

Francis, wearing flip-flops and holding a cellphone, thought he could stop Isidore’s car by sprawling on the outside of the windshield as she drove away.

“She turned the engine on, dropped it in reverse and started pulling out, and that’s when things took a turn,” Francis later told a TV news reporter.

2. Anybody with the poor judgment it takes to ride on top of a moving car ought to assume that your poor judgment may also be shared by anybody who would willingly be one of your acquaintances.

Isidore later explained that she had things to do. She had to pick up her daughter. She didn’t have time to waste by talking to Francis.

“I felt like he put himself in danger. I didn’t put him in danger,” Isidore later told a TV news reporter. “He had plenty of time to get off the car.”

3. If somebody is clinging to the hood of your car while you are driving, avoid choosing a route that takes the car on a high-speed interstate highway.

Isidore drove her car onto I-95 with Francis still hanging on the hood. Better to use smaller in-town roads with lots of traffic lights to better accommodate readjustment, reconsideration and a self-removal.

4. If you’re driving on I-95 at 70 mph with a man hanging onto your hood, the “Who is the bigger fool?” question is about to have a different answer.

It doesn’t matter how foolish the man on your hood was to jump on it in the first place. If you drive with him alfresco onto I-95, you’re starting to make him look like the sane one.

5. When clinging to the hood of a car going 70 miles an hour, hang on with both hands.

Francis just hung on with one hand, because he used the other hand for his cellphone. Which brings us to ...

6. Avoid talking on a cellphone while hanging on the hood of a car going 70 mph on

I-95.

Florida law is silent on whether people hanging onto hoods of moving cars are permitted to use their cellphones. But it’s best to consider it a dangerous distraction. And texting is definitely not recommended, as evidenced by the lack of emojis for this behavior.

7. While driving, don’t accept calls from people riding on the hood of your car.

After all, Isidore was distracted enough trying to see around the body of her ex-boyfriend on the other side of the windshield; then to have to talk to him on the phone might just be one distraction too many. Especially with all the wind in the phone.

“Listen, I’ve got to hang up,” you should say. “We’ve got a bad connection. Try me again when we’re not moving.”

8. If you find yourself driving on I-95 next to a car going 70 miles an hour with a man on the hood talking on a cellphone, ask the passenger in your car to take the video, instead of taking the video yourself while driving.

The video of Francis riding on the hood of the car was taken by motorist Daniel Midah, who was traveling southbound on I-95 in a car in the next lane.

“All I was thinking is, this guy is going to slide and hit me,” Midah told a TV reporter.

Even so, that didn’t stop Midah from asking his girlfriend to steer his car from the passenger seat while he videotaped the other car.

9. If your boyfriend asks you to steer his car from the passenger seat so he can videotape dangerous driving on I-95 from another motorist in the next lane, you might want to consider what could go wrong.

There’s no such thing as a maximum number of bad decisions made in any situation.

10. If you’re risking your life to make a viral video of a man riding on the hood of a car, avoid using racial epithets to describe him in the play-by-play commentary you post on Twitter.

There’s another “n” word for this: No.

The constant use of racial epithets by Midah caused news playbacks of his video to be played with no audio.

11. If you get a second chance to get off the hood of the moving car, take it.

Isidore said that even after riding on top of the car on I-95, Junior didn’t want to get off.

“When I was on 95, I thought, hey this is crazy, so I actually pulled over to Ives Dairy and he still didn’t want to get off,” Isidore said.

12. If you both survive an incident like this and consider couples counseling, pay close attention to where it will be held.

Best to pick a spot within walking distance of your home.