The Pilot News

Bears, balloons and chugging


I'm feeling funky fresh.

As a journalist, I've learned how to ask, not only a good question but the RIGHT question for the moment.

For example, somebody recently asked me "What's wrong with you?"

Of course, I corrected them. A much better question and much easier to answer is "Are you out of your mind?"

Another good question I've been asked is, "Did the nurse drop you on your head as a baby?"

How did they know? It was just me and the nurse and I promised I wouldn't say anything.

Until now.

Hollywood successful­ly announced what will be their latest "franchise" film "Cocaine Bear".

On the drawing board are the sequels, Heroine Badger, Meth Wolf, a cartoon Mutant Ninja Cocaine Turtles, (with the slogan, "They've given up pizza for powdery vengeance."), and the prequel to them all — Dope Dealing Dingo.

Also in the works is "Cocaine Bear — The Musical" and Disney has jumped on board to put together a "Cocaine Bear on Ice" tour for the coming fall.

The London Shakespear­e Company will mount a production of Hamlet with the Cocaine Bear in the starring role of the Danish Prince himself.

In previews, critics have raved about the Cocaine Bear's performanc­e stating that "...the Bear has brought a depth and subtlety to the role that hasn't been seen since Sir Laurence Olivier played the lead and mauled several of his co-stars. The Bear's energy is felt by the entire cast. With a wild bear on stage, the plot line moves along much faster." Overheard in the newsroom: Rusty: I think my car's going to blow up. It just chugs along and there is a faint burning smell.

Punchline #1.

Jim Master: That sounds like me. I chug along with a faint smell.

Punchline #2.

Rusty: Me too but I smell like shattered dreams and desperatio­n.

Vote for your favorite.

What most people don't know is that the Chinese Spy Balloon was the result of years of research and developmen­t by the Chinese military. The original concept was for a "Spy Kite" but when deployed they found it was too easy to just shoot the guy flying it, thus ending any useful intelligen­ce.

Taylor Swift? Take a seat over there next to Joe Burrow and Mike Pence. I'll be with you in a minute.

That one is for everybody who suffers tirelessly through this column every week.

You are brave souls and should be celebrated as such.

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