Kentucky, the Dutch, and Mikey

I was born in a crossfire hurricane. That explains my terrible sense of direction.

Remember the old song that went “If I were a carpenter, and you were a lady...”.

If he isn’t singing to a lady, what species is he singing to?

I’m thinking of pitching a new show for The Food Network. It’s Iron Chef but they have to cook with real iron. It’s a crossover with Forged in Fire, except instead of making swords you have to forge molten metal into a tasty entre.

I feel like one of “The Old Ones” in those science fiction movies.

Headline I saw today: “Our universe may actually exist inside a black hole”.

No.

That’s just Kentucky. Subheads to actual headlines I saw yesterday:

They are considered the most deadly force in the universe.

Here come Apple and Disney.

They can turn you into spaghetti.

Cannibals want to share their recipe with you.

They will erase you from existence.

The IRS prepares for the coming crunch.

By the way, the headlines were real. The subheads were mine. It’s safe to assume that I made them up.

Apparently you can marry a dead person in France. I don’t care what France’s parents let them do, you will marry a living person like everybody else.

A small town in Pakistan makes 70 percent of the world’s soccer balls. So they’re the ones to blame.

At one point in 1653 the Dutch ate their Prime Minister. Allegedly.

Apparently they became so angry with his policies that a mob tore him to pieces and sold his body parts to those in the crowd. Allegedly.

Ah, the good old days. That’s a custom I could get behind reviving.

They say everybody was doing cocaine in the ’70’s. I didn’t realize that was what was in Pixie Sticks. Explains an awful lot, really.

The urban legend is that Mikey, the kid from the Life commercial, died of eating pop rocks and drinking a soda. I’m here to dispel that as patently untrue.

He was hit by a train. While eating pop rocks and drinking soda.

There actually was a toy — the U238 Atomic Energy Lab — that came with LIVE uranium included.

If that existed today you could forget about Korea and Iran, you’d have to worry about Mrs. Miller’s hoodlum son Timmy becoming a nuclear power.