The Candy Cartel, you, and Raymond Burr

Where DID you go, Cotton-eyed Joe?

I read on the internet that there are thousands of "you's", and that every person who ever makes eye contact with you perceives a totally different you.

It's somehow comforting to know that there are thousands upon thousands of different me's out there for people to hate.

And by the way folks...keep those cards and letters coming...

Sometimes people say, "The stuff you write should be memes."

They are. Where do you think I steal them from? And just some info in case you find yourself in this situation - if you want to give a writer the highest compliment possible, tell them that their stuff should be memes.

Trust me. You will never forget the reaction.

I feel that if I could gain 20 more pounds I might be able to qualify as a small town and be eligible for some stimulus money.

I did pick up a side hustle for the summer. I will be providing shade for small planets.

Speaking of the planets, an asteroid the size of three bags of grass seed, a rottweiler, and a side of toast is headed for the Earth.

I'm not as hot as I was when I was younger.

As a child, I ran a constant small fever.

I've really been hindered by the fact that life isn't a '70s sitcom.

Walking into a room and saying my catchphrase, "Well that's a load of rotten tomatoes," just doesn't get the same reaction anymore.

You ever notice in romantic movies people are always having these calm rational discussions in emotional situations?

Is that a Tolkien thing or something? Because I've never really experienced that in normal life.

Most of my discussions are a little more Biblical. "Wailing and gnashing of teeth" kind of Biblical.

A Florida woman is fighting authorities to keep her trained pet alligator named Rambo, who drives four-wheelers.

I'm really seeing a "Jurrasic Park" scenario here. If we didn't have enough in this world to strike fear into the hearts of men, now we have to worry about roving alligator motorcycle gangs.

A couple of headlines I saw that intrigued me: First, mark your calendars for August 26. That is when the Philly Naked Bike Ride will take place.

I don't get the fascination. I have never been naked and I don't feel like I'm missing anything.

Second, an American couple was arrested in Israel for smuggling Fruit Roll-ups into the country.

They don't want you to know it, but the Candy Cartels are running the world government.

The most powerful and feared man in the world is the head of the MNM cartel, El Choco who rules with a jawbreaker fist.

Remember a couple of weeks ago when I shared the Oreo thing with you guys and knew my wife wouldn't appreciate it?

She's fighting back. She hid the milk carton and won't tell me where it is.

Touche Maggie. Well played.