Cold, science, and Pythagoras

Good lord. Is it that time already?

Is anyone still there? After the snow last week, I just boarded everything up and settled in for the culling.

Yes. Snow is that bad. I hear all you snarky snow people out there wearing your Elsa t-shirts and humming "Let it Go".

"If I hate it so much, I should just move away?" Right?

Well, not all of us are independently wealthy Mr. Rockefeller. Some of us have things like rent, mouths to feed, and fines and costs to pay for... don't worry about that, that's another story it's not important.

So no Mr. Cold Miser I have to stay here where the job I cling to more tenuously with each passing column enables me to continue my existence.

Go enjoy the solace of your ice-cold heart.

Wow. Sorry. That was REALLY over the top.

I guess I didn't realize how "bitter" cold I was.

Get it? See what I did there? The play on words? "Bitter" cold?

It kind of ruins it when you have to explain it by the way.

And yes that was a long way to go for a joke that weak.

So Ring LLC will give me a million dollars if I can prove aliens exist. Explain Elon Musk. Deliver it in $10s and $20s, please. Internet headlines: "What are some interesting things about an introvert?"

If you knew that they wouldn't be introverts would they?

Keep your eyes in your own lane "extro" boy if you know what's good for you.

"Who can never live a happy life?"

If it's me, why in the hell would I even want to know that?

"What are some paradoxes in life?"

Well, a challenge... One. How empty the bag of Oreos may be is in direct proportion to the lack of knowledge your children have of where they went.

Laundry expands when washed. That's why one basket of dirty laundry equals four baskets of laundry to fold. Pythagoras worked out that theorem I believe, right before geometry.

Once opened, a case of beer will begin to make time fold in upon itself creating a vortex for those around it that takes drinkers from the moment of opening — say 8-9 p.m. — directly to the eternal matrix of 4 a.m. No one knows how this loss of time is possible.

The level of fatigue is always exactly 3x greater than the availability of coffee.

Setting an alarm to wake up by will result in you actually waking three hours beforehand and being unable to sleep again. Not setting an alarm will result in you oversleeping by at least three hours.

10 things you should avoid to be happy in life: 1 thru 7 — People.

8 — Anybody remotely involved with any sort of politics, so in essence more people.

9 — Fantasy football. 10 — Reality TV. An asteroid the size of a Boston S362 Deluxe Stapler will pass the Earth this week.

I'll just leave this headline here from my science newsletter @sciencealert. com. And no I am not making this up. Remember, at least a room full of people passed this wording on as OK before it went into the newsletter:

"Severe diarrhea cases surging across the UK and scientists don't know why."

Subhead: "This may just be the tip of the iceberg."

I think that's a good place to stop.