Sin­gle man takes prac­ti­cal ap­proach to busi­ness of dat­ing

The Progress-Index Weekend - - OBITUARIES - Jeanne Phillips

DEAR ABBY: I am writ­ing you about dat­ing in these mod­ern times. Lately I have be­come per­plexed at the van­ity and im­moral be­hav­ior now as­so­ci­ated with the task of dat­ing. I'm a sin­gle man liv­ing by my­self with no re­spon­si­bil­i­ties but my own. I am look­ing for some­one who will fit into my life­style. Un­for­tu­nately, I have en­coun­tered some road­blocks that keep me sin­gle.

First: I am not look­ing for a ready-made fam­ily.

Sec­ond: I'm not in a po­si­tion to an­a­lyze her last re­la­tion­ship, which left emo­tional bag­gage.

Third: I am def­i­nitely not look­ing for some­one who isn't busi­nes­sor life-ori­en­tated.

What I want to find is some­one who doesn't have a long his­tory of suit­ors or life is­sues that cause fur­ther re­la­tion­ship prob­lems. How do I go about sep­a­rat­ing the dis­pos­ables from the pos­si­bles?

DAT­ING IN 2019 DEAR DAT­ING:

I find it in­ter­est­ing that nowhere in your let­ter have you given the im­pres­sion that you are ca­pa­ble of com­pro­mise. I don't know where you are look­ing, but I sup­pose you could elim­i­nate hun­dreds of can­di­dates from your search sim­ply by read­ing their re­sumes and swip­ing left. How­ever, when you do that, you elim­i­nate women who might make ex­cel­lent life part­ners if given the chance.

Suc­cess­ful ma­ture re­la­tion­ships re­quire flex­i­bil­ity and em­pa­thy, and you ap­pear to not un­der­stand that. Please con­sider what I have said. You will find what you are look­ing for by as­so­ci­at­ing with like-minded in­di­vid­u­als and telling them you are look­ing. Broad­en­ing your search in this way could yield sur­pris­ing re­sults.

DEAR ABBY: My older brother died sud­denly two years ago. He was only in his 30s. Af­ter his death I found out he had been home­less and liv­ing out of his car. I blame my­self for not know­ing and not be­ing there when he needed some­one.

My sib­lings seem to have got­ten over it, but even af­ter my weekly ther­apy ses­sions I can't seem to stop cry­ing when I see his pic­ture or hear his name. Is some­thing wrong with me be­cause I can't seem to let go? It's so bad that I can't visit his grave be­cause I get panic at­tacks on the way there. —

STILL GRIEV­ING IN MON­TANA DEAR STILL GRIEV­ING:

Please ac­cept my deep­est sym­pa­thy for the loss of your older brother. If you were un­aware of his fi­nan­cial sit­u­a­tion and that he was home­less, it was likely be­cause he didn't want you to know. So stop blam­ing your­self for it.

I'm glad you are see­ing a ther­a­pist reg­u­larly, be­cause when a per­son has ex­pe­ri­enced a loss like yours and is griev­ing as you are, ther­apy can help to re­lieve the guilt and trauma sur­vivors some­times feel af­ter the death of a loved one. How­ever, be­cause you have been in ther­apy for the length of time you have and are not mak­ing progress, it may be time to con­sider chang­ing ther­a­pists.

Dear Abby is writ­ten by Abi­gail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Con­tact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los An­ge­les, CA 90069.

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