Friend's comment makes woman ask questions
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a Black woman who is close friends with a white woman. We were chatting on the phone when I started casually complaining to her about the men that I've dated in the past. Every man that I've dated has been Black, and she knows this. She told me that I need a "new type." When I asked her what she meant, she said that I need to stop dating only Black men.
I didn't know how to take this comment. I don't fully think that she meant for it to seem racist, but it definitely came across that way. Could this mean that my friend is racist? — Weird Comment
DEAR WEIRD COMMENT:
Ask yourself how you would react if a Black friend had said this to you. Why? Because it sounds like your friend was mainly trying to tell you to expand your horizons. Open your eyes to other men who may interest you, regardless of race. While you may not be interested in that idea — from whomever may suggest it — you might not think it was racist if it came from someone else.
That said, talk to your friend about it. Tell her that her comment didn't sit well with you. Ask her about whatever is worrying you. For example, does she think there's something wrong with Black men? Since she said "stop dating ONLY Black men," I don't think that's what she meant. But ask her, and talk through your thoughts and feelings about dating and race. Allow this moment to be a potential breakthrough in your understanding of how you both think about this sensitive topic.
DEAR HARRIETTE:
My husband drinks too much on the regular and forgets too many things. Plus, he always thinks he's right, so when I call out him on stuff he said or did the day before, he adamantly denies it, then jumps in my face about accusing him of whatever it was. This is nervewracking. I want him to see what he's doing and how he's behaving, but usually I am the only witness. How can I get him to see that his drinking is negatively impacting our life? —
Wake Up DEAR WAKE UP: See if you can capture your husband on video when he is drunk and acting out. Discreetly use your smartphone, if you have one, to capture him doing something strange or out of turn. Then when you talk to him about whatever the transgression is, if he denies it, show him the footage as proof that it occurred. Tell him you are worried about him and think that he needs help. Explain why you feel that way. Point out his erratic behavior, his persistent forgetfulness and any other indicators of his dissociative state. Tell him that you do not appreciate the way that he lashes out at you when he is drunk or that when he is sober he can't remember anything. Encourage him to go to Alcoholics Anonymous, find a therapist and stop drinking. You might benefit from going to an Al-Anon meeting yourself (al-anon.org).
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.