Woman's outsize personality overshadows friend
DEAR HARRIETTE:
I sometimes feel like I'm a background character in my friend's life. She is outgoing, and I am reserved. It seems that people naturally gravitate toward her energy, leaving me feeling like
I'm playing a secondary role or even becoming an invisible character in the scene.
While I value our friendship, I can't help but feel overlooked and overshadowed. I keep telling myself that it's OK that I am not the center of attention all the time — because it is — but it feels as if she thinks that everything is about her all the time, which can be annoying. Sometimes I think she does too much to get attention from the general public, whether it's for her entertainment or to get something for free. I want her to continue being herself, but there are moments when her actions come across as selfish. I want to attempt to bring up my feelings with her, but it's challenging to convey them without sounding accusatory. I want her to understand my perspective without feeling attacked. — In the Shadows
You
DEAR IN THE SHADOWS:
and your friend have created a symbiotic relationship that works for her even as it doesn't serve you. You get to be comfortable in your introvertedness, though you resent it sometimes. She gets to be unrestricted in her extrovertedness, even if that lack of discipline may allow her to be reckless or unthoughtful. It would be amazing if you two could talk about it. It will take a lot of courage, but it sounds like you are clear about what's going on. Rather than blame her — because the onus is on both of you as to how your relationship plays out — speak to her without judgment. Tell her that you want to share what you have noticed about your friendship. Describe yourself and your comfort zone but also your frustration with her self-centeredness. Ask her to be more thoughtful about you and your feelings, desires and needs. Then invite her to share her thoughts on your friendship: what she appreciates and what frustrates her. By talking it out, you may get to a mutually beneficial new place where you feel safe to step into the spotlight and she is willing to share it.
DEAR HARRIETTE:
Lately, I have been feeling an overwhelming pressure to always be No. 1 in everything I do. Whether it's at work, in my personal relationships or even in my hobbies, I feel the need to outperform others and prove my worth. This mindset has become exhausting and is starting to take a toll on my mental and emotional well-being. I find myself constantly comparing myself to others and feeling inadequate if I am not the best in every aspect of my life. I would greatly appreciate any advice or strategies you can offer to help me shift my perspective and find contentment in my own journey. — Not on Top
Stop thinking about other people, and turn your lens on yourself. Prioritize what matters to you. Then choose one thing at a time to be excellent (but not necessarily the absolute best) at doing. Achieve that one thing. Then move on to another. Stop attempting to juggle everything at once. It will never work.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.