Mom worries that son is too dependent
DEAR HARRIETTE:
My son is often referred to as a "mama's boy" because of his affectionate gestures toward me, such as kissing my cheeks before school, seeking my opinion on his clothes and requesting I support him during his basketball games. While I appreciate his closeness and love, I sometimes wonder if his attachment to me might hinder his independence and growth. I find myself torn between cherishing our bond and wanting him to develop his own identity and autonomy. How can I strike a balance between nurturing our relationship and encouraging his independence? — Mama's Boy
It is wonderful that your son adores you. You don't need to push him away. What you can and should do is teach him that the way he cherishes you is how he should treat anyone he chooses as a partner. What you don't want him to do is shower all of his love on you to the detriment of his relationships as he develops them. Talk to him often about how to treat other people and how to make smart choices. Give him chores to do at home, and resist doing everything
DEAR MAMA'S BOY:
for him. Otherwise, he will believe that his partner should pick up where you left off and baby him when he is an adult. Teach him independence by assigning him duties that he has to figure out on his own. Let him fail at tasks so that he can learn from his mistakes. Love him, but stop enabling him. For more musings on this topic, read: imom.com/warrior-or-wimphow-not-to-raise-a-mamas-boy.
For "Raising a Japanese Child," the concerned grandmother whose daughter and son-in-law adopted a baby from Japan: There are programs for teaching various ethnic groups or their loved ones the language and usually culture of origin. These classes are often weekend or after-school sessions — Hebrew school, Greek school, Chinese school, Japanese school, you name it.
If the family doesn't live near a Japanese community, they can find a Buddhist or Shinto temple, a cultural association (a reference librarian can help find one if needed) or even a Japanese restaurant where they might find such classes for the granddaughter and adult family members.
As the child grows older, they might
DEAR HARRIETTE:
consider family vacations to cities with a significant Japanese population to immerse themselves in restaurants and shops and cultural events.
Grandmother, good for you for thinking about your granddaughter's ethnicity and wanting her to know her birth parents' culture. Don't let her be a gaijin in a Japanese body — please get her Japanese language lessons! As an Air Force brat, while I am not Japanese, I was born in Japan. My parents brought a lot of cultural items back to the United States. I was using chopsticks by 5, and I still use them regularly. — Thoughts for Raising a Japanese Child
DEAR THOUGHTS FOR RAISING A JAPANESE CHILD:
Thank you for sharing your insights, and I also want to thank the many other readers who added their thoughts to this important conversation. Exposing children adopted from other cultures to their history and traditions is powerful and possible.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@ harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.