Woman devastated by boyfriend's terminal diagnosis
DEAR HARRIETTE:
I am a 29-year-old woman from Phoenix. My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for five years. I thought that he was "the one" for a long time — until this year when he fell terminally ill. I've had to watch him slowly fade away for three months now, and the doctors say he will continue to do so until the end of the year.
I don't know if I can watch the love of my life die anymore. Every day is a struggle, and I feel an overwhelming mix of sadness, helplessness and heartbreak.
I want to be there for him, but at the same time, it's becoming increasingly difficult for me to cope with the emotional toll of his illness.
How can I support my boyfriend during his final days without completely losing myself in the process? I love him dearly, but the thought of losing him is tearing me apart. Any advice on finding strength and making the most of the time we have left together would be greatly appreciated. — In Sickness?
DEAR IN SICKNESS?:
While you and your boyfriend are not married, you are in a long-term, committed relationship. I do not recommend that you walk away now, at the point when he is most vulnerable and in need of your support. Of course things are tough right now. That's the nature of illness. If his prognosis is terminal, no matter how hard it is at the moment, do your best to stick by his side and support him in whatever ways you can. It would be wise to enlist the support of his family and close friends so that you don't have to help him on your own.
At the same time, get support for yourself. You need somebody to talk to, a good ear when times get tough. Be with your boyfriend when you can, but also carve out time for yourself. That includes spending time at work, with friends and living your life. Remember to breathe and do your best to have patience.
I am struggling with feelings of guilt and remorse after cheating on my husband. Though he doesn't know the extent of my betrayal, he has chosen to forgive me for my distance and accept me back into his life.
I am finding it difficult to move
DEAR HARRIETTE:
past the guilt and shame of my actions. Should I continue to carry this burden alone, or should I confess my wrongdoing to my husband and seek his forgiveness once again?
I fear that revealing the truth may jeopardize the progress we have made in repairing our relationship. — Struggling With Guilt
DEAR STRUGGLING WITH GUILT:
You should consider going to a therapist, a professional who can help you look more deeply at your life so that you can face what happened. Confessing to your husband that you feel guilty will help nobody. Examining your behavior and the events or circumstances that led up to it could be extremely helpful. Do your best to assess the why of the situation. What happened that made you decide to cheat? If you are able to address whatever the weakness was in yourself and in your marriage, you may be able to heal from that and strengthen your relationship with your husband.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.