Mom wants to connect with both twin daughters
DEAR HARRIETTE:
I'm a mother to 12-year-old twin daughters. While they share the same birthday and many similarities, their personalities couldn't be more different. One of my daughters seems to be a mirror image of myself when I was her age. We share the same interests, hobbies and even mannerisms; as a result, we have a strong and natural connection. However, my other daughter has her own unique personality, interests and ways of thinking that some- times feel foreign to me. I'm struggling to connect with her. I worry that our lack of shared interests and understanding might be driving a wedge between us. I want to build a strong and loving relationship with both of my daughters, but I'm not sure how to bridge the gap with the one who feels less familiar to me. — Twin Mom
DEAR TWIN MOM:
Though I have only one child, I know many people who have multiple children, include twins, and I remember how my mother parented my sisters and me — as individuals. Each of your children is different. Even though they are twins, each has particular ways of being and thinking. That is true, by the way, for the twin who is like you. (You will need to be clear that she isn't really a mini-you, and that may become jarring at different points in her development.)
Look with fresh eyes at the other twin. Who is she? What does she care about? What inspires her, and what concerns her? Listen closely to her to hear what she wants to talk about and how she needs you to support her. Choose to divide your time between your twins as equally as possible.
DEAR HARRIETTE:
I had a baby two weeks ago, and my mother-in-law has graciously offered to come stay with my husband and me for two months to help with our newborn. While I appreciate her willingness to lend a hand, I'm worried about her tendency to be overly controlling. I've heard stories from friends about how their mothers-in-law took over the household and parenting duties when they came to visit, leaving them feeling sidelined and undermined. I fear that my mother-in-law might try to impose her parenting style and routines on us, disregarding our wishes as parents. I want to maintain a good relationship with her and appreciate her assistance, but I also want to assert myself as the primary caregiver for my child. How can I communicate my concerns without causing friction or hurt feelings? What steps can my husband and I take to ensure we remain in control of our parenting decisions while still benefiting from her help? — Seeking Balance
DEAR SEEKING BALANCE:
Try to remember that she will be there for only two months. Perspective is key here. Talk to your husband about helping to reinforce that you are learning and you need some space as you discover how to care for your child. Ask him to step in when you need some autonomy. Ask your mother-in-law about strategies that she knows about early child care. Listen, thank her for her ideas and tell her you will try some things, but not necessarily all. If you honestly listen and believe she has good ideas, it will help you to consider what she has to offer.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.