Father refuses to help with daughter's care tasks
DEAR HARRIETTE:
I am upset with my husband because he thinks that it isn't his responsibility to do our daughter's hair — ever. He thinks that since he's a man, any responsibility that is deemed feminine isn't his job. I've tried explaining that parenting responsibilities should be shared equally, regardless of gender stereotypes, but he's adamant.
Our daughter is only 6 years old, and she adores her father. However, she's starting to notice the disparity in our roles. Recently, she asked me why
Daddy doesn't help with her hair or help pick out her outfits with her. I want our daughter to grow up knowing that both of her parents are capable of caring for her in every way. How can I help him understand the importance of breaking these outdated notions and being an equal partner in parenting? — Gender Roles
DEAR GENDER ROLES:
Talk to your husband about his ideas on who does what in a family. I'm sure he grew up in an environment where the lines were clearly drawn as to what was appropriate for men and women to do.
He is likely following the blueprint he learned from his family. Encourage him to reconsider his restrictive approach to your family. Point out that the two of you can make new rules that apply to your household, regardless of what life may have been like when he was growing up. Tell him that your daughter has asked why he won't help with her hair. Invite him to watch while you do her hair so that he can observe the closeness that can be cultivated during that intimate ritual.
The reality is that people do gravitate toward different duties in a family. Your husband may never choose to do all the things that he considers "women's work," but perhaps you can get him to reconsider being limited by traditions that have no place in your home.
I am a freelance web designer, primarily working with small businesses. My cousin and I established a partnership where we agreed to split earnings 60-40, with me handling tasks and him managing client communication and acquisition. Based on my understanding, our last client paid $22 per hour, resulting in me
DEAR HARRIETTE:
earning $13.20 and him $8.80. While using his laptop at his place, I discovered their conversation, which revealed a rate of $26 per hour, with him earning $12.80. Despite his promise to refrain from such behavior in the future, I am contemplating whether it is still viable to continue working with him. — Unethical Partnership
DEAR UNETHICAL PARTNERSHIP:
Doing business with family can be tricky, but doing business with anyone who is dishonest is not a good idea. You caught your cousin in a lie: Ask him why he chose to do that. Is your 60-40 split due to the amount of work you put into the jobs? Does your cousin understand that? Perhaps he is against the split and that's why he crafted a way around it. Whatever the case, you cannot trust him. If you can't walk away from him right away, change the terms, requiring two signatures on all contracts so that you are able to review each agreement. It may be tedious, but it's necessary — at least for now.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.