Friend feels like a third wheel
DEAR HARRIETTE:
I find myself feeling like a third wheel in my friend group, and it's starting to take a toll on my confidence and sense of belonging. While I value the friendships I have with both of my friends individually, whenever we're all together, I can't shake the feeling that I'm somehow intruding on their bond. They seem to share inside jokes and memories that I'm not a part of, and I often find myself feeling left out or overlooked in group conversations and activities. I want to address these feelings and find a way to feel more included and valued within my friend group, but I'm unsure of how to go about saying this without causing tension or awkwardness. How can I assert myself without feeling like I'm imposing on their friendship? Any advice on how to overcome these feelings of being a third wheel would be welcomed. — Third Wheel
DEAR THIRD WHEEL:
Employ humor. The next time you three are together and they go into a private realm that excludes you, interrupt them and ask them to stop. You can say, "Hey, there you go again with another inside joke." Or you can interrupt and ask, "Can you fill me in on what you are talking about? I'm feeling like the odd man out here!"
Call them out on their exclusionary behavior. That could lead to a more serious conversation where you address the elephant in the room. You know that they spend time together without you — which is fine — but as part of a close friend group, you would appreciate being included when you are with them.
At the same time, I recommend finding other people to hang out with. Do not rely solely on these two. They clearly have a close bond that does not include you.
DEAR HARRIETTE:
I recently decided to end a relationship with a guy who didn't seem to care about me. Despite my best efforts to make things work and communicate my needs, it became increasingly clear that he wasn't invested in our relationship. The lack of reciprocity in our connection was irritating, so I finally gathered the courage to break it off. While I know that ending things was the right choice for my well-being, I can't seem to shake this feeling of embarrassment about how I conducted myself while we were together. I realize that I often went above and beyond to please him, ignored numerous red flags and tolerated behavior that I now recognize as unacceptable. I also compromised my own values and boundaries in an attempt to salvage a flawed relationship.
As I deal with the aftermath of the breakup, I find myself feeling ashamed and regretful for not prioritizing my self-respect and dignity. How do I begin to forgive myself for the way I allowed myself to be treated? How can I move past this embarrassment and rebuild my selfesteem and confidence? — Took Too Long
DEAR TOOK TOO LONG:
It can be excruciating to look at our own behavior critically and find peace, especially when we haven't performed optimally. Being able to evaluate your behavior, however, is a key way of learning and growing. You may want to do this work with the support of a therapist who can guide you and support you through this emotional process. Rather than feeling ashamed, do your best to adopt the attitude of learning. What lessons exist for you from this experience? Search for them so that you don't make the same mistakes in your next relationship.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.