Summer seeds of happiness
The summer affords lots of opportunity to have more time with our children. Often, this goes well. However, as the leisure time goes on, we can be prone to several habits that produce misery. Research documents that in the country of ever flowing blessings and abundance, we find many children unhappy, complaining and only wanting “more, more, more.” There are reasons why more stuff doesn’t bring happiness. There are also reasons why all the summer fun, vacations and sports does not bring more happiness. Our focus here is on learning to plant those summer seeds of happiness that can bloom throughout the year.
Keys to planting summer seeds of happiness and confidence:
• Stop nagging. It destroys self-esteem.
For many of us, we nag because we don’t know what else to do to get things done. It’s a simple mistake, but points to a fatal flaw in our parenting.
However, the flaw is that this nagging has an “unspoken” message, that becomes more and more clear over time. Both parents and children grow to hate it, and for good reason. The underlying message is that, “Sweetheart, you don’t get it, do you?” Day after day, these small messages are a constant reminder to your son or daughter that ‘you don’t get it.’ Over time, this is poison to a healthy self-esteem.
Happiness answer: Learn to manage behavior with a system. The nagging is a substitute for a real parenting system -- a day-today game plan for running things smoothly. Without this, we use our voice (i.e., nagging and reminding and prodding and yelling) to get the kids moving. Our words become weak when there is no real action plan or structure to manage the day to day. This becomes particularly clear during the extended summer months.
2. Stop giving what they want. Thinking this will make them happy.
Many of us have developed the idea that we really want our children having more than we had growing up. Yet, we see that the more children get… the more children want. And this leaves them without happiness with what they have. We cannot ignore this reality, and keep buying and buying, and then expect that suddenly someday, our children will start appreciating all these great blessings in their life.
Happiness Answer: Gratitude for now, and effort for the future. Instead, there is an easy solution, but it involves two aspects. First, we must begin to model gratitude and appreciation for what we have, and nurture ongoing gratitude in our children. We can do this with questions and comments about gratitude. More importantly, we can live in that state of gratitude and our children will experience this.
Secondly, for the ‘wants’ in life, we must start requiring effort. This begins with daily routines, requiring “Work done, then you play.” Then, when your child wants a new toy or game (and no Holiday is near), set up extra chores and small jobs so they can earn some cash. Let them take responsibility for the money they earn, so they have the opportunity to make choices. For example, they want to splurge on popcorn at the movies when you have said no. They have cash in their pocket. So now, they learn to forego a short-term immediate desire (popcorn) to get what they want (new toy). Or perhaps, they spend their small bit of money on popcorn. Either way, your child starts to learn about value and you can teach lessons from these moments.
Without parents establishing the relationship between effort and getting what you really want, there is (rarely) development of appreciation and gratitude. These two emotions are fundamental to finding happiness.
3. Stop answering the same questions repeatedly as it produces constant disappointment
Some children are constantly asking the same questions over and over. It is a remarkable headache to keep answering these questions. Then, your clever son or daughter learns to change the question slightly, and asks again. You then answer again. And again. And again.
You see how often your answers only disappoint your child. You tell them, over and over, that they should know this by know, yet they don’t seem to get it.
The problem here is not that your child doesn’t get it. The problem is that mom or dad doesn’t get it. If you keep answering, they will keep asking. That’s the secret. And, as long as you keep answering, your children keep finding disappointment in the answer. More disappointment leads to more unhappiness.
Happiness Answer: presume competence in your children and answer once. Simply don’t keep answering repeated questions, that you have already answered. Here’s a trick: I ask parents to make an extensive list of every question that has already been answered in your home. Show it to your kids and put it up on the wall. Then, explain in detail that whenever they ask one of those questions, you will simply ignore them and walk away. This is their cue… to go search for the question and answer on the wall. (In reality, they will not even need to go to the list as they know the answers.) Trust me on this: within a week or so, no more repeated questions and much less disappointment in your home.
Hope this helps to boost the summer happiness in your home. Remember… reading and knowing is not the same as doing. Please follow through with action on these points, and it will make a difference.