Crossword
I need your advice.
My very musically gifted high school senior appears to want to go to college and major in music performance. But he is refusing to visit colleges. He won’t discuss why; he just gets very belligerent when the subject comes up and won’t expand on any reasons. Should I let it be or make the contacts for him and force him to go?
— Music Man’s Mom It’s possible that your son is afraid to leave home — which would show his intelligence; it’s a big scary world out there. Courage arises not when we suppress our fears but when we find something so worthwhile we temporarily forget them. So do what you can to help him find exciting possibilities. There are many amazing colleges that specialize in music, which you can research together. See whether any schools within a short driving distance have solid music programs. In the end, though, this is his search process, and he should take the lead. It’s the first step he’ll take as an independent adult, and it’s healthy for him to take ownership of the decision.
I read your advice column every day and love it. I am 64 years old and have been very happily married for 45 years.
I read about the grumpy old dad whom “Hurt Daughter in New Hampshire” has to deal with. I am part of a local association mostly made up of older men. We tend to be grumpy. Why? We hurt. We have health issues. We see changes in the world around us that we don’t appreciate. We didn’t realize that retirement was going to make us feel unneeded. We are not attractive anymore. Many have been hurt from previous failed marriages and relationships, so they don’t trust anyone anymore.
This is what I have learned about how to stop a grumpy old man in his tracks and, if not change, at least realize how he’s acting. I first empathize, telling him I feel his pain, and then I encourage him to not take his pain out on other people. That friendliness and kindness breeds more of the same. But grumpiness and meanness will only make things worse.
When that doesn’t work (and it usually doesn’t), then I go at him by confronting his hypocrisy: “You are angry with everyone else for all kinds of things, but by being that way, you are acting like a spoiled brat who needs discipline. Get over it! You are a grown man who knows how to act maturely and friendly. Show love even if you don’t feel it. Change or get used to being rejected.”
This works for most guys. It’s the language they understand. They will probably dislike the one who says it to them, but everyone else around them will begin to see the change and appreciate it. I do not let my pain and discouragement affect my actions.
Empathy and honesty are great virtues and useful tools. Thank you for your tips.
ACROSS
1 Ballet divisions 5 Crank (up) 8 Hunchbacked lab
assistant 12 Un-fizzy
13 PGA Tour golf course near Miami
15 Fish in salade
niçoise
16 Inc. and LLC? 19 “No fighting!” 20 Self-worth
21 Gym unit 22 Beaming and
shining?
25 Jibe
grammatically 28 Come-__:
enticements 29 Covent Garden
highlight 30 Wolfish look 31 Pal of Pooh 32 Green shampoo 33 Ranking org. for
court players 34 Google operating
system
36 “Never __ Me Go”: Kazuo Ishiguro novel 38 Blue Cross rival 40 Dr. with Grammys 41 Managed __ 42 Donkey sound 43 Tie the knot 44 Socialite Perle 45 “Got it!” and
“Roger that!”? 48 Hassle 49 Tic-tac-toe win 50 “Green Eggs and
Ham” opening 53 “What are you in for?” and “I was framed”?
57 Like the T206 Honus Wagner baseball card 58 Eats by
candlelight
59 Not in favor of 60 Summit 61 Affirmative action 62 Drain slowly
DOWN
1 Langley, e.g.:
Abbr.
2 Driver or putter 3 Subdue with a
charge 4 Cocktail made with brandy and crème de menthe 5 Timber often used for guitar fretboards 6 Triage locales,
briefly
7 “La Bamba”
singer Ritchie 8 Addams family
cousin
9 Military rebels 10 Ready for the
worst
11 Speaks with a
scratchy voice 13 Geometric art
style
14 __ Mason: asset management giant
17 Aswan Dam site 18 In the direction of 23 Properly arranged 24 Underground find 25 Styled after, on a
menu
26 Be judged unfairly 27 Performer’s array 31 Genetic code
transmitter 32 Often fruity
dessert 34 Slangy “Let’s
move on ... ” 35 Like priests 37 What some
caddies carry 39 The Northwest’s
Sea-__ Airport 41 Private jet
choices
43 “Any
volunteers?” 44 Cultural pic that
may go viral 45 Oscar-winning
director Frank 46 Frog habitat 47 Pre-coll. exams 51 Spots to
conceal
52 Dole (out) 54 Kinsey research
focus 55 Producer of some Talking Heads albums 56 Sample
Courage arises not when we suppress our fears but when we find something so worthwhile we temporarily forget them. So do what you can to help him find exciting possibilities. There are many amazing colleges that specialize in music, which you can research together.