A new challenge - Part II: Who to tell and how?
My wife and I were scheduled to visit her family in Virginia. We were supposed to leave on a Thursday. On Wednesday, my general practitioner told me, after my CAT scan, that I had pancreatic cancer that was also in the lungs. After the initial shock I was faced with the complex question of what to do with the information. Who should I tell first and how?
After thinking about other life challenges, the personality of my family, and after some deep prayer; I decided to lie. When my wife asked about my GP appointment, I told her that I couldn’t travel because I had some Gall bladder issue. My decision to lie was simple. I wanted her to enjoy the long weekend with her family before I gave her the “big news.”
I know, some of you are saying I should have gone to the internet for guidance or some textbook on the topic, but I decided that I knew myself and my family better than those valid informational resources. It is odd that many years ago, I actually taught a graduate course called, “On Death and Dying.”
I picked Kyra up at the airport on Sunday after her long weekend and we went home to unpack and relax. After a few minutes of unpacking, I asked her to meet me in the parlor to chat for a few minutes. I could tell that she was not suspecting the bad news, still being in the glow of a fascinating visit with her family.
I held her hand as we spoke briefly and clearly about the seriousness of my diagnosis and plans for treatment. After a min- ute, she clenched my hand tightly and started to weep. Our hugging and weeping together was a unique moment of true intimacy that you may have experienced in a similar situation, when revealing the death or serious injury to a loved one. We went more in depth into the chemo, biopsy, port, PET scan, blood work etc. details, then embraced and went to sleep.
How about my 18 and 25 year old boys? I thought and prayed about a reasonable approach. I decided on something simple and hopefully calm. A few days before I spoke to Kyra, on the same couch and in the same room, I told my sons, Nicholas, 25, and Jackson, 18. Jackson is a locally famous “miracle boy” who survived a car accident that involved being submerged for over 14 minutes, with resulting heart stoppages and a coma. Nick is famous to me, because he is a loyal, compassionate, hardworking young man. I made four simple points with the boys. The disease is life threatening, don’t discuss the disease details with well-meaning but confused friends and family, seek emotional support from a few consistently reliable adults, and trust in God for the wellbeing of our family.
Next and most importantly on my list of those who should know were my cats. My ninetythree year old mother did not feel slighted because she highly values the lives of animals. Jax, Jenny and Buddy were reluctant to sit quietly, but I picked them up all at once and told them the disturbing news. After an extremely brief quizzical look they ran away to their litter, food or sleeping area. Who knows how provocative information like that can affect an animal? In the
days that followed, I petted them more, and they sensed my emotional pain, and slept next to me at night.
Finally, my list of those to be informed included more family members, friends and acquaintances. I have been using email, text and my newspaper columns primarily. My wife, Kyra, set up a useful communicative website tool called “Caring Bridge” that has shown to be very popular during situations like this, to share the medical information. You just go to: www.caringbridge.org/visit/johnostwald and type in John Ostwald, create your own password, and the information comes up.
My columns related to these issues will continue because it is cleansing for me and I also hope that you can in some way relate to dealing with one of your life’s challenges.
John Ostwald is professor emeritus of psychology at Hudson Valley Community College in Troy. Email him at jrostwald33@gmail.com.