What’s the problem with a few complaints?

Last week, we discussed how most of us have an excuse. When we are frustrated, unhappy, angry or anxious, we often focus on circumstances or the behavior of others as the reason for this misery. Even our lack of success is often blamed upon others.

Today, I want to expand upon this notion, so that we understand the role of complaints in exacerbating our misery and unhappiness. In order to turn our lives around, we must examine this process and understand how complaining is often built into our everyday lives as a way to connect with others on shared frustrations. Yet, this does not serve us. Let’s jump into it.

Complaints take us down a very familiar path, and the fact that it happens frequently, and we find comradery in these familiar paths hides the toxic influence of this harmful habit. Let’s explore:

Victims Via Complaint.

As long as we are complaining, we have positioned ourselves as the victim. It may not appear that way, but it’s true. Perhaps it’s just a tiny victim statement, by complaining about the weather or how much Covid is messing up our lives. While quite common, we often don’t even view these as complaints. Yet they are. Our focus is upon something we are resisting. We can’t do anything about it. Thus, we become a victim.

If we just examine the complaints a bit, we start to see how a complaint about my work, or my spouse, or the weather, or about politics, or any event beyond my control bumps me down a path where I am now the victim of events beyond my control that are responsible for my misery.

Just pause and notice how trapped you feel you feel as you are complaining. Every compliant leaves you the victim, in one way or another.

Immobilized Via Complaint. With every complaint, comes the minds invitation to expand upon that complaint or to have someone take up the slack, and continue. Each complaint leaves us reeling in some argument against our life in some way. And remember: our attention is focused OUT THERE. It’s not focused on us, and that leaves us in an immobilized state. Our energy is going to other people or to other events, and we begin to feel more and more helpless…the more we complain.

Misery & Depression Via Complaint. Have you noticed that it’s impossible to be grateful and happy while complaining? Likely you have. And likely you find it downright miserable to be around someone who seems to be continually complaining. Complaints not only make us victims, and immobilize us, but they also rob us of the opportunities to be in a positive state of mind.

Life Becomes Stagnant Via Complaint. When we add all this up, we see that the misery, the victim stance and the immobilization lead us to a stagnant life, where my complaints get most of my attention. I am, by default, focused on events and things outside of my control. Thus, I am no longer responsible for my unhappy, miserable life. Someone else caused it. Something else caused it. Some event is the blame. I didn’t get what I wanted, and that is to blame. Someone treated me poorly, and that is to blame. However, you spin it, there is tendency to get stuck because we focus on these events beyond our control, and fail to devote attention to what we can control.

Always an Excuse Via Complaint: Untimately, complaints take us down a path where we are dangerously close to having an ever-ready excuse for any failure, any lack of action or any outcome we do not like. Yet, with enough complaining about the situation, whining about the vaiables outside our control and concluding that ‘it wasn’t fair’ … we end up with the perfect excuse from taking the necessary action to change our lives. Thus, I am NOT responsible for my better life. All these things I complain about…that’s the cause of my misery and unhappiness. Believe this, and you are stuck.

There is something magical when I take responsibility for my life, and for my happiness. I turn away from complaints and a focus on events out of my control, and I shift my focus as my attention turns to me, my choices, my beliefs and most importantly…my actions. This shifts all my resources back into the world where I can make a difference, rather than wasting them on opinions and complaints for events out of my control.

Let’s be clear: I am not responsible for your choices, your happiness or your life. I am responsible for mine.

When discussing this topic with clients, many agree in theory but struggle to bring change to the day-to-day moments of their life. They find themselves complaining and blaming others around them, and their resulting emotional state is misery once again. They never strongly resolve to the joy that is awaiting when a true decision is made to have a complaint free life. With this, you choose to abandon interest in the complaints and whining, whether coming from inside (your brain) or outside. This is not a casual decision. This is life changing.

One final note. This does not imply you become blind to real life problems. What is clear is that you no longer become one of the complainers. Instead, you develop you own action plan, at whatever level and in what way you can… you take action. You do your part.

And the final magic topping, be grateful for the opportunity to do your part. Be grateful for the insight to see what action can be done, and for the wisdom to focus on that which is within your power. This can and will be a better future if we all take responsibility for our better lives and stop our interest in the voices of negativity, complaint and placing responsibility on someone else.

Dr. Randy Cale, a Clifton Park-based parenting expert, author, speaker and licensed psychologist, offers practical guidance for a host of parenting concerns. His website, www.TerrificParenting. com, offers free parenting guidance and an email newsletter. Readers can learn more by reviewing past articles found on the websites of The Saratogian, The Record and The Community News. Submit questions to DrRandyCale@gmail.com